I thought I understood what you meant when you would say you were tired. I tried to understand, but I was just a girl Ma. Your first born, your daughter, the one you called a cry baby at birth, you couldn’t turn your back without hearing my mouth, you said you would even play music to try and soothe me. I loved it when you would tell me stories about the fun wild things you would do as a child, the adventures you and my uncle John would take over train tracks in Gary, Indiana. Those crazy ass whooping’s granddaddy would give you when you used to sneak out the window, to go to the skating rink. I have a vivid memory of the details about your life, and the life we shared together. I was always sharp witted, I definitely inherited that from you. I mean its crazy how long its been since we last spoke, hugged or even said ” I love you”. Twelve hard years without your love and support. It’s weird, because you see stuff in movies and you hear about the terrible things that happen in other people lives yet you never think it could happen to you, until it actually happens to you.To experience the loss of your mother is an emotion without description.
I’m a woman now, I have two kids, and I’m a dedicated mother just like you were. I now get a glimpse of the sacrifices you made in order for us to see a meal on the table, and clothes on our backs. I’m so proud of you Mom, and amazed at your strength, you keep me going when I’m drained from taking on life alone. I say I’m alone, because the unconditional love that only a mother can give her daughter I lost the fall after my 16th birthday. Sweet sixteen, yet there was nothing sweet about the events that transpired thus after. If I would have new then what I would soon come to find out, maybe the last words I heard from you wouldn’t pierce my heart to this day. I tried to get home that night and it must have been some sort of unknown force working against me. I’m glad that we got to hang out a couple days before it all went down though. We went to see some scary movie that I cant think of the name, but would recognize the movie if I saw it. We were like friends and I know that I was “my mothers keeper.” I always tried to please you and help make your job as a mom easier in whatever way a kid new how. The burden of watching your everyday struggle and not having the power to change it, has left a hollow piece in my heart. They say prayer helps, I prayed everyday for you to get a second chance, still you struggled.
For some reason the summer of my sixteenth birthday I just didn’t sit still, you didn’t fuss. Maybe you felt guilty about me never having a normal childhood, maybe I took advantage, or maybe it was a bit of both. I was independent had me a little job and everything, saw some weird stuff too, that summer. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. I wanted to do everything myself so you didn’t have to feel guilty for not being able to afford all the things that a 16 year old girl wanted. I even offered to pay the light bill whatever I could do to make it so you didn’t have to worry. Sometimes I fantasize about what life would be like if you didn’t leave us that day. Even writing this letter seems a bit cliche, but I don’t care I have to talk to you, even though I know I will never receive a response.
Anyways, Dad kept his word and did his best to keep all you children together after you went away. We all have found our own way of living in your absence. We didn’t get grievance counseling I guess that’s for white people huh. lol I wish my brothers would have gotten some counseling since they both were there to see you fall, I sometimes wonder why I wasn’t there, and if I had been, would I have lost my mind too? The boys have struggled much more than us girls and I know its, because they did not have each other to lean on. Shortly after you passed away my baby brother was taken away too. I lost not only you but the very baby that contributed to your illness in the first place. Grudges hinder the heart but some actions can never be forgiven. Its not your fault Momma you did the best you could. I’m hear to tell your story and everyday that passes someone hears about you, someone is reminded of your smile when I smile, heck sometimes I even see you in me and in my sisters. When my sister sings I hear your voice, when my other sister draws I can see the the beautiful dolphins you used to draw, even when I play music that you used to love I can sometimes feel your energy and tears uncontrollably run down my cheek. Your life will not be for nothing, every time I think of giving up I remember how you never did.
love is infinite,
Copyright 2017 Z.Harps
I’m a person full of pain and optimism;
reaching for the stars and beyond