A n c h o r

He’s an anchor to your happiness, should you have to cut off your own limb to leave him . So be it! The only way to achieve it is to leave it… leave the bullshit leave the lies… guurrl you trippin. He then turned you into a full blown spy

Checking fb and instagram Tryna keep up with him. Jail bond who had it?? You went all out because just for a moment you had no doubt that he was the one, then he turned on you like the moon did the sun.

He’s and anchor to your happiness, because u let him. Amputate your own limb to save your space, your true happiness you shouldn’t have to chase…

After a half ass man that only brings you down ever notice that when he’s around you frown and when he’s gone you smile? He’s an anchor to your happiness guurrl he’s got to go!

I only say this because I know, I was once you..a girl that didn’t know her own worth, that didn’t know when to let go.

Chasing the arms of a man that was just as damaged as me .. he’s an anchor to your happiness, let him go so you can be happy.

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Love Yourself

You belittle how I feel because you’re not big enough to man up. I’m tired of being on an emotional rollercoaster, that crashes into a dumb. The shit from the dumb slams on to a window looking gross, lopsided and disproportioned, I’m there to clean it up.You want all the glory and want me to do all the work, while you refuse to be the antidote to the poisonous pain you’ve caused me and countless other souls that were captured by the light on the outside. What hurts most is that you never forced me to love you, it was worse you manipulated and made me feel like I was supposed to. I was wrong in what I thought was special…I thought only love could bring it out of you. I see that you’re too sick to want to get well, you’ve given up! Now, I’m left only to love myself.

Listening: Wind&Trees

Last night I fought my anxiety by redirecting my energy and forcing myself to find something to offer me peace. *I’m so proud of myself* After a long and frustrating day, I managed not yell or take my frustrations out on the stranger in the car in front of me. I simply took a deep breath and the kids and I made our way through the door of our apartment. I showered while the pizza cooked in the oven and the kids were watching cartoons *PBS kids* Finally I finished showering, feeling refreshed but drained. Then it was the kids turn to wash their little booties, meanwhile the pizza cooled. We ate, and one by one they fell asleep.

I was exhausted myself, but was having trouble getting to sleep. Its hard to fall asleep with a broken heart, but then again that’s all you want to do, so you don’t have to feel that aching feeling of rejection and despair. As my face hits the pillow a lay alone in a bed that was once filled with two warm bodies cozy together. Now its just me alone laying there instantly I go into my thoughts. This can go on for what feels like hours, constantly analyzing what I did wrong. Or was it even me at all? I think to myself, I have to hold some responsibility for my broken heart even though I still don’t understand whats so hard about loving a person you say you really love? *I guess that’s a question I should ask him*

*Anyways* I didn’t want to cry last night, so I thought about the nap I took in my car earlier that day, during my lunch break at work. It was about a 25 minute power nap and on my way to sleep I could hear the trees singing. It was like a lullaby from mother nature to my the broken soul. *my kids are my light and joy, everything else sucks right now* I listened to each leaf sing a tune and it eased me right to sleep.

My irritation starts as my head rest on the pillow and I quickly remembered the trees and the beautiful tune each leaf sang. I went to my smart phone and typed in YouTube “listen to the trees”…I don’t remember much else from last night, because I fell right to sleep. Maybe this can help someone else, a person who over thinks during bed time or maybe it can help ease unpleasant feelings of Anxiety and stress. *whatever the reason…Enjoy!*

Mother of Two: Daily Duties

My day starts with me peeling myself out of bed at 7:30 am, I can set my alarm to 7 am all I want, but my body won’t respond until 7:30 am sharp. I hurry to the bathroom to let out what feels like a whole weeks worth of pee!  Then I scurry to my daughters room to pick up the variety of items off the floor while yelling her name to get up *she’s a deep sleeper* I then make my way to my son by whispering sweetly in his ear *he’s a light sleeper* all he needs is to hear my raspy voice and there appears his half smile, following some crusty white stuff on the sides of his mouth.

The kids are lucky enough to get their baths the night before. So in the mornings, its wash face, brush teeth *if we have time,* grab an apple, orange, pop tart, or whatever’s the easiest and were out the door. I’m blessed if I have an ounce of energy to take a shower the night before *it helps make mornings a little easier*, Of course, I get ready last in the morning and sometimes I slap my makeup on in the car, because like I said time is never on my side and neither is sleep.

Anyways, I rush through traffic by taking as many shortcuts as possible and sometimes it takes even longer with the shortcuts… all this just to get them off to daycare and school, then I’m back on the road to drive 24 minutes in more traffic *the way my anxiety set up, I cannot stand traffic!*

Never the less I make it work, sometimes I’m on time.  I spend my work day talking a lot and maneuvering a mouse on my computer. My eyes strain as my work day gets shorter. I sometimes cry at my desk thinking about things I cannot change, and sometimes I feel nothing at all, just staring blankly at the wall of my cube, awaiting my next task. I anticipate the relieving feeling of escaping the office setting, but my job is not done…I make my way to pick up the children from daycare. *I feel like I barely see them*

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When I arrive at the daycare center, my son does this run jump thingy into my arms as he screams out “Mommy” *the best feeling in the world* I’m tired though but I fight through it and pick him up following a tight hug. He always, always, always, ask for his sister and we make our way to her classroom. My daughter’s eyes light up in excitement to see me and that’s rewarding as well. *after all, I’m doing all of this for them* Her first words are “Hi mommy” following “can we go to the park?” and of course I comply exhausted and all.

After 40 minutes to an hour at the park, I get one kid off the slide while I’m chasing my son to let’s go! He starts his little tantrum because he’s not ready to leave, but I know he will be sleep within 3 minutes of the car ride home. On the ride home sometimes it’s quite because all three of us are just beat, sometimes we listen to music and rock out with the last bit of energy we have, and sometimes we just talk about how my daughter day of school was, and my son just sits in contentment.

We load up our bags jackets etc and wiggle the keys through the door. Kicking our shoes off before we can barely enter the house fully, and we all find a place to sit for a bit. I’ve already accepted that I’m defeated, but I keep fighting to give the kids baths and put food on the table. I hold it together to keep my sanity just to do it all over again tomorrow…

We spend about an hour or so preparing for bed and we may have time to read together or watch Super Why or My Little Pony *I know all the words to both theme songs* lol

Some days are easier and some days are harder, the key is not to give up. I know that all my hard word will pay off. We won’t stay in our two bedroom apartment because I will buy us a home. We won’t have to spend 12 hours a day away from each other because I will start my own business or maybe become a famous writer one day. I not only hope for a better future for me and my babies I know we well have one as long as there is breath in my body.

*For all the single parents out there keep on keeping on, your hard work does not go unnoticed* 🙂

Love is Like Building a House!

Nobody ever listens to you, when you are crying out. They pretend to listen, but as soon as you turn to walk away they forget that you are suffering, they forget that you asked for help, without directly asking for help. I remember my mothers words as a young girl, “don’t let people take your kindness for weakness”. Was this a warning, that she could foresee, that I would be a doormat for people to trample over? Did she make that same mistake in her short lived life?

I’m sending a warning to myself for the future. lol I cant advise others on how to live or what to do when I have yet to master my full potential. I share my thoughts, opinions, and even ramble a little. At least I’m honest and unafraid to speak my mind. I’m honest enough to say that love weakens me, because I want it so bad. Whenever it seems or feels familiar I run at it with full speed. Everybody knows what happens when you speed, you lose sight of things. Your going so fast that you don’t see the details or the warning signs that tell you your going the wrong way. Your moving so fast that you may even pass by your actual destination, finding yourself back tracking, starting over, and trying to find your way again.

Is it fear that explains why I allow people to hurt me? Am I afraid that I will never find true love? It seems far fetched, unrealistic, and somewhat like a fantasy, but not impossible. So I have hope! I don’t ask for a lot, but trust, honesty, communication, and thoughtfulness. Is this too much to ask? Yeah maybe if a person isn’t in a relationship for love.  Love isn’t hard, people make it hard with their carelessness with having someone else’s heart in their hands. Love is a universal language that all can understand and relate to. I’m not saying I have all the answers, because clearly I don’t. What I do know is love feels good and sometimes it feels bad, but the foundation should always stay the same. Love is like building a house. You start off slow and steady, aligning each brick neatly, layering concrete to make sure your foundation holds together. As you build, your house grows, and your able to see clearly threw the windows. You continue to build, soon to reach the top of your home, where you will layer your roof, to protect your home from stormy days.

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This metaphor is a little shaky, but not as shaky as your relationship will be if you don’t take the necessary time needed to build a solid foundation. My advise for whoever reading this, let time slow down when you find love. Take all the time you need to build, have fun during this phase, make a few mistakes to test the durability of your relationship. Also allow yourself to keep pushing through the sweat and tears so you can see clearly through the windows of your mates soul. To me its about having a mutual understanding, an unspoken language, and really being in tuned with your partner. Love is a selfless act, one that requires much sacrifice, for you two to benefit together. Build your house of love with precision, this way your love (house) doesn’t easily grumbled whenever life (storms) happens.

Freedom Is In The World Around You

Freedom is not just something we obtain in a physical form, but also in how we think. Its about how one perceives the circumstances their faced with in life. For example one may spend everyday behind bars and still feel free, maybe even more than a person who is on the outside world. A person can have all the riches and still not be free, yet they feel like a slave to there own existence. Freedom is a state of mind and with knowing this were able to live more fulfilling lives. We are then able to express our true power.

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The root word to freedom is “FREE”! Nothing is free in this world and it seems there is a price you must pay. Most are laboring day in and day out, slaves to their bills of providing basic necessities like, housing, food, and clothes. In life we are not meant to be content and confined to our circumstances. Living free of burden and worry is how it really should be. Why do so many believe that this freedom that I’m describing is for us after death. Freedom can be obtained now in life. Free your dome of the disbelief that real love peace and happiness cannot be obtained until after you die. To believe this you will never see the need to truly free your dome (mind). Rid yourself of the negative burdens of false teachings. Open up your mind to allow the process of free-dome to begin.