Decisions Decisions

The way my life is set up right now I barely have time to write, however, there’s always time to think. I spend a lot of time thinking about my current circumstances and how my actions have and will continue to pave my future. My step dad used to talk about “decisions decisions decisions,” because the decisions we make directly affect our futures. The sad part, not only do these decisions affect us as individuals but it will certainly affect those that are close to us.

I say this because recently I’ve been faced with having to make some real hard decisions. Things that involve family values, finances, relationships, children, and the hardest of all sacrifice. I’m a year from thirty and I feel like the first time in a very long time I know what I don’t want. I’m still working on what I do want but I know I want love peace and most of all happiness. Not only for myself but my children and those that are close to me. Sometimes those that are close to you can affect your life not always in the most positive ways and I can’t allow others circumstances affect me and my children. This has helped enlighten the fact that it’s not all about me but has everything to do with me.

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This is where the sacrifice must be made. I either let go of what was and focus on what is to come or rid myself of the uncertain and build on what I know to be solid. I like taking the risk because the curiousness that lies within me brings forth excitement. This excitement can lead to me learning new and exciting things and helping me truly come to terms with what I really want out of my life,  rephrase I know what I want I just don’t know exactly how to get there. I’m the queen of going with the flow.

This may not be whats best for my children, the need to be solid and routine is always important. I must put my want to explore and take chances on hold while I build A solid foundation for them. This brings me back to the people in our lives and how it affects how we approach life. Have you ever been on the right course and then you let an old friend back into your life or meet someone new and everything starts to change for the worst? Maybe their reality is projecting on yours. This example can happen in the opposite effect as well. People should compliment your life not disrupt it. We should be mindful of the people around us and how their feeling and thoughts, directly and indirectly, affect us.

I have a heart of gold *my opinion lol*  It’s hard to digest that not everyone values that. They certainly want to benefit from your good qualities but don’t want to possess those same qualities themselves. I feel as if I’m reaching a new point of understanding and I don’t have time to teach capable and able adults instead I have to be better for my babies, the universe knows my heart, and I ask God to help me and continue me on the right path to true success and happiness.


“I can show you but I cant make you see, in order to see you have to be willing to open your eyes.”

Mother of Two: Daily Duties

My day starts with me peeling myself out of bed at 7:30 am, I can set my alarm to 7 am all I want, but my body won’t respond until 7:30 am sharp. I hurry to the bathroom to let out what feels like a whole weeks worth of pee!  Then I scurry to my daughters room to pick up the variety of items off the floor while yelling her name to get up *she’s a deep sleeper* I then make my way to my son by whispering sweetly in his ear *he’s a light sleeper* all he needs is to hear my raspy voice and there appears his half smile, following some crusty white stuff on the sides of his mouth.

The kids are lucky enough to get their baths the night before. So in the mornings, its wash face, brush teeth *if we have time,* grab an apple, orange, pop tart, or whatever’s the easiest and were out the door. I’m blessed if I have an ounce of energy to take a shower the night before *it helps make mornings a little easier*, Of course, I get ready last in the morning and sometimes I slap my makeup on in the car, because like I said time is never on my side and neither is sleep.

Anyways, I rush through traffic by taking as many shortcuts as possible and sometimes it takes even longer with the shortcuts… all this just to get them off to daycare and school, then I’m back on the road to drive 24 minutes in more traffic *the way my anxiety set up, I cannot stand traffic!*

Never the less I make it work, sometimes I’m on time.  I spend my work day talking a lot and maneuvering a mouse on my computer. My eyes strain as my work day gets shorter. I sometimes cry at my desk thinking about things I cannot change, and sometimes I feel nothing at all, just staring blankly at the wall of my cube, awaiting my next task. I anticipate the relieving feeling of escaping the office setting, but my job is not done…I make my way to pick up the children from daycare. *I feel like I barely see them*

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When I arrive at the daycare center, my son does this run jump thingy into my arms as he screams out “Mommy” *the best feeling in the world* I’m tired though but I fight through it and pick him up following a tight hug. He always, always, always, ask for his sister and we make our way to her classroom. My daughter’s eyes light up in excitement to see me and that’s rewarding as well. *after all, I’m doing all of this for them* Her first words are “Hi mommy” following “can we go to the park?” and of course I comply exhausted and all.

After 40 minutes to an hour at the park, I get one kid off the slide while I’m chasing my son to let’s go! He starts his little tantrum because he’s not ready to leave, but I know he will be sleep within 3 minutes of the car ride home. On the ride home sometimes it’s quite because all three of us are just beat, sometimes we listen to music and rock out with the last bit of energy we have, and sometimes we just talk about how my daughter day of school was, and my son just sits in contentment.

We load up our bags jackets etc and wiggle the keys through the door. Kicking our shoes off before we can barely enter the house fully, and we all find a place to sit for a bit. I’ve already accepted that I’m defeated, but I keep fighting to give the kids baths and put food on the table. I hold it together to keep my sanity just to do it all over again tomorrow…

We spend about an hour or so preparing for bed and we may have time to read together or watch Super Why or My Little Pony *I know all the words to both theme songs* lol

Some days are easier and some days are harder, the key is not to give up. I know that all my hard word will pay off. We won’t stay in our two bedroom apartment because I will buy us a home. We won’t have to spend 12 hours a day away from each other because I will start my own business or maybe become a famous writer one day. I not only hope for a better future for me and my babies I know we well have one as long as there is breath in my body.

*For all the single parents out there keep on keeping on, your hard work does not go unnoticed* 🙂

No Push Over

Have you ever stood up for yourself, then the person flipped the situation, and you found yourself apologizing? Have you found yourself feeling guilty for demanding your respect from an individual while they play the “victim” card? Do you find yourself second guessing your decisions, because your worried about criticism from a specific person? Are you always giving, time, money, energy, advice, whatever, only to receive the opposite of what you put out?

You may be dealing with a user/ manipulator. If your not sure put them to the test by being more aware of there daily interaction with you. Pay more attention to body language and actions rather than what they say. These people are usually very charming and can talk their way out of almost anything. Beware of the person who doesn’t mind effecting your world in a negative way, only to gain in their life from using up your resources. Your energy and time is precious, once given you cannot get it back, so its very important to know those that truly have your best interest at heart and are genuine the love will naturally be reciprocated.

People just want to storm into your life place there problems and burdens on you, and somehow your all alone in your own endeavors? This is called being used! People love your good qualities, because they see how they can benefit from them. They never think about how there presence is effecting you, hell they don’t even care, its a one way view for people like this. Users, emotional and financial abusers, these people use manipulation as a paint brush to smear their garbage all over your life, and your left alone to pick up their shit and your own! They make you feel stupid for thinking for yourself by undermining and belittling you. They seem like they have the best intentions for you at first, by seeming helpful and interested in your goals. Its all so that you can open up, so they can find a soft spot in your heart for them to play on. Do not be fooled by this type of person and their tactics to suck the life out of you. Is it intentional or a subtle trait that some use to their advantage?

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Conclusion: Do not think because it’s your family, friend from high, or even your partner/spouse that they will not try to use manipulation to get their way. Even children use manipulation on an subconscious level to get their way in. You are not to be taken advantage of or have your kindness taken for weakness. Do not be afraid to call a person on their bluff! They may not like that your calling them out on the BS, however they will respect you. No push over resides here!

 

 

Reminder to Self

Do not allow yourself to be totally consumed in another person. No matter how much they say they Love you, a person’s action will always reveal the truth. Be strong enough to except the truth and make the best decision for you and your children no matter what…

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Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

I thought I understood what you meant when you would say you were tired. I tried to understand, but I was just a girl Ma.  Your first born, your daughter, the one you called a cry baby at birth, you couldn’t turn your back without hearing my mouth, you said you would even play music to try and soothe me. I loved it when you would tell me stories about the fun wild things you would do as a child, the adventures you and my uncle John would take over train tracks in Gary, Indiana. Those crazy ass whooping’s granddaddy would give you when you used to sneak out the window, to go to the skating rink. I have a vivid memory of the details about your life, and the life we shared together. I was always sharp witted, I definitely inherited  that from you. I mean its crazy how long its been since we last spoke, hugged or even said ” I love you”. Twelve hard years without your love and support. It’s weird, because you see stuff in movies and you hear about the terrible things that happen in other people lives yet you never think it could happen to you, until it actually happens to you.To experience the loss of your mother is an emotion without description.

I’m a woman now, I have two kids, and I’m a dedicated mother just like you were. I now get a glimpse of the sacrifices you made in order for us to see a meal on the table, and clothes on our backs. I’m so proud of you Mom, and amazed at your strength, you keep me going when I’m drained from taking on life alone. I say I’m alone, because the unconditional love that only a mother can give her daughter I lost the fall after my 16th birthday. Sweet sixteen, yet there was nothing sweet about the events that transpired thus after. If I would have new then what I would soon come to find out, maybe the last words I heard from you wouldn’t pierce my heart to this day. I tried to get home that night and it must have been some sort of unknown force working against me. I’m glad that we got to hang out a couple days before it all went down though. We went to see some scary movie that I cant think of the name, but would recognize the movie if I saw it. We were like friends and I know that I was “my mothers keeper.” I always tried to please you and help make your job as a mom easier in whatever way a kid new how. The burden of watching your everyday struggle and not having the power to change it, has left a hollow piece in my heart. They say prayer helps, I prayed everyday for you to get a second chance, still you struggled.

For some reason the summer of my sixteenth birthday I just didn’t sit still, you didn’t fuss. Maybe you felt guilty about me never having a normal childhood, maybe I took advantage, or maybe it was a bit of both. I was independent had me a little job and everything, saw some weird stuff too, that summer. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. I wanted to do everything myself so you didn’t have to feel guilty for not being able to afford all the things that a 16 year old girl wanted. I even offered to pay the light bill whatever I could do to make it so you didn’t have to worry. Sometimes I fantasize about what life would be like if you didn’t leave us that day. Even writing this letter seems a bit cliche, but I don’t care I have to talk to you, even though I know I will never receive a response.

Anyways, Dad kept his word and did his best to keep all you children together after you went away. We all have found our own way of living in your absence. We didn’t get grievance counseling I guess that’s for white people huh. lol I wish my brothers would have gotten some counseling since they both were there to see you fall, I sometimes wonder why I wasn’t there, and if I had been, would I have lost my mind too? The boys have struggled much more than us girls and I know its, because they did not have each other to lean on. Shortly after you passed away my baby brother was taken away too. I lost not only you but the very baby that contributed to your illness in the first place. Grudges hinder the heart but some actions can never be forgiven.  Its not your fault Momma you did the best you could. I’m hear to tell your story and everyday that passes someone hears about you, someone is reminded of your smile when I smile, heck sometimes I even see you in me and in my sisters. When my sister sings I hear your voice, when my other sister draws I can see the the beautiful dolphins you used to draw, even when I play music that you used to love I can sometimes feel your energy and tears uncontrollably run down my cheek. Your life will not be for nothing, every time I think of giving up I remember how you never did.

love is infinite,

your oldest

 

Copyright 2017 Z.Harps

To My Brothas

I’m not giving up on my brothers, I never will, because for one I’m raising a black boy to be a black man in America. I will make sure he understands the value of a black woman. That he takes pride in his title to be the king of the jungle. I want him to understand his power mentally, which is the most powerful thing of all. It is important to teach unity among  ones people, the value of taking pride in who you are and owning your thrown. The sad part about it is our black men in north America are worse off due to the lack of education, lack of freedom, lack of structure and balance, lack of income and wealth, lack of being a active father, lack of having descent morality, lack of hope and motivation. I do not say this to degrade my brothers  but to actually state the truth and beam the light of revelation to our current situation as a whole. most of you are in prison dead or gang banging and getting high everyday. Listening to music that only spills poison into your mental and paints a false reality of what life should be like. There are 12 jewels in life work your hardest to  obtain them for it will bring you all that you seek while in this physical form of existence.

1.Knowledge 2.Wisdom 3. Understanding 4.Food 5.Clothing 6.Shelter 7.Justice 8.Freedom 9.Equality 10.Love 11.Peace 12.Happiness The most precious things in life are priceless. We look to material things to give us a sense of happiness, why not look for happiness in ones self. Ever think about why after a man does time in prison hes now refined and eager for change, because learned how to find happiness in the mind. It’s OK to want nice things, hell I want nice things too. I also want a clear conscious so instead of taking the “easy way out” like selling pussy or shacking up old dirty Harry instead I work honorably to obtain what I need and want in the most righteous way possible. Not only does doing things in a respectful manner keep your conscious clear but it also promotes you to take care of what you’ve worked so hard for your less likely to take for granted what you put your blood sweat and tears into.

I could do most of the list above alone and maybe be content in my situation for a long period of time, eventually one will become dissatisfied, and seek out what is missing. Its about natural order in life man, woman, and child going through out life learning many lessons to grow as a family and individually. Then taking all you’ve learned and  pass it on to the next generation. Our people once saw this structure that I describe as important, now not so much, most people make there own rules and we’ve lost touch on whats important in life. Family! What is a family without the man of the house owning his thrown, protecting his queen, teaching the babies, building in all aspects with his queen? This is no fairy tale, this is a reality that  few live everyday and most people hope for. I’m no master at life but a student eager for knowledge, eager to learn and share what I know with others. The thoughts I formulate are but a spec of how deep my mind can go and having only so many words to express my deepest emotions. I want change thus allowing for constant growth. I see where we as black people need improvement, understanding the value of togetherness, support, and family to help us get back to where we once were in order to get to where we want to be.

Black man that change starts with you! You are a natural leader so own your thrown. Set an example for the next generation. Show your women that they can believe in you that they can depend on you to not lie steal and cheat your way through life. I know its never easy being a black man in America but its not impossible to make it, its not impossible to overcome the forces that work against you. You will have the support of your beautiful black queen and family to hold you up when your shoulders and head hang low. A Lot of naive Americans will never understand your position being a black man in America, so don’t look for validation from these type of people. Take on the challenge of being praying for your continued failure. Show them who you are by what you do and not what you preach. Peace 🙂

 

Copyright Z.Harps

J.S

How could you just quit me like that? Like damn you said you wasn’t “that guy.”The opposite of the type that says hes single and text you every morning after every night. The guy that finds the time for you through his unpredictable work schedule. The guy that kisses you so passionately and sweet that it makes your foot pop. That passion that makes a minute feel like an hour.

Could I be the only one feeling some type of way. Us woman want to master the art of intimacy but lack the emotional control once we’ve experienced that emotion. I’m trying to make sense of why my heart feels crushed. Like damn was it something I did wrong? Ladies stop blaming yourself when the guy switches up on you. Maybe its not you its him, maybe your just too great and he not self loving to see that he deserves you just as much as you deserve him. I thought you said you liked me, you said you didn’t want to be that guy.

The third time we hung out shame on us for moving forward, I see the uniqueness in your eyes and I made a mistake thinking you were different. What are you afraid of? Can you not see greatness when its reaching for you. Do you not want happiness?

I get it now your already happy, with her, with your family, and i know your daughter is a big part of why you stay. The truth is I was just a fling to you, just a course of events that transpired to help you pass the time. I’m more than that you know, I am unique in every way possible. There is beauty residing in every flaw that I have.  I don’t want to wreck you the way you wrecked me, as if u actually have the power to do so. Your happy already with her and I’m just the fool that didn’t pay attention to the signs. I’m the fool to see past your lies into the core of you heart, mind, and deepest desires. Does loving someone equal your happiness or your success in life? Be mindful that good things don’t just fall in your lap everyday so if you do have something good try cherishing it. Work on your relationship and most importantly yourself. The next woman you manboozle may not be so nice.

With everyday that passes I’m learning to accept the past events and see them as a learning lesson. Not only have I learned that most men are liars and cheaters no matter the charm and no matter the so called intention, your actions will always define who you are. I’m stronger now and have rolled up my heart from my sleeves learning to cherish the love I have to give. I’m holding my heart so dear to me because its to valuable to be broken.