Your Dead to Me

All these thoughts in my head I can’t believe I was misled to think I can trust you

After all the time we spent together

I thought it was love boo

Then you turned on me like when the sky turns from black to blue

Your strike hit like a brick

Left me dazed and amazed that you could lie straight to my face without leaving a trace of deceit

I have an angel one that you failed to see, I was guided to the truth about you

Your a disgusting piece of trash…how could you?

The feeling gets worse everyday I think about it

Making me want to gag and spit, I wish I could dig a ditch to throw you in

Sprinkle acid like fairy dust at the sight of you

Run you over a thousand times with a semi truck

Burn you with cigarette butts

Better yet hang you by the neck

Unfortunately your not dead yet, but Your Dead to Me!

Gun Smoke

It’s a new year but I’m hunted by the past.

Its 2018 but I can’t help thinking about how long the thoughts of you will last…

Get out of my head!!!

I meant it, I mean it… to me your dead.

I’m cold now and Your just lucky…

I hate you!! That’s what I said

If it was anybody else, your body would be filled with lead.

Gun smoke!

Death is A Part of Life: How to Grieve?

Is there anyone out there who parents passed? A mother specifically? If so please share how you deal with your Grief? I lost my mother at age 16 (13 yrs ago) and it feels like it just happened yesterday. There’s  never a day that passes my mother doesn’t cross my mind. I see her in everything I do. Sometimes my laugh sounds just like hers did and sometimes I hear a song that reminds me of her. I see numbers that relate to significant events that have happened or dates that hold significant meaning; like her date of birth or the day she passed.  Even a smell can bring me back to my childhood of the times I shared with her. I despise thinking that my life is all some big coincidence, I would rather believe that everything that I see, hear, and feel is relevant to my existence and gives purpose to my being. I would like to think that my mother is really always with me, and maybe, just maybe, the signs I see give light to just that.

Death is a part of life. It’s the timing that sucks and not knowing how we will leave that causes fear of death. No time is a good time to go to leave all that you know and love. It’s not easy accepting that I will never see her, hug her, or talk to her again. I guess I’m just angry sometimes because it’s so damn hard to miss someone every day of your life. It’s so damn hard finding ways to simply live without her. It’s even harder when I’m troubled and I need her guidance. I notice times when I’m sad or in a dark space I see my mother’s date of birth and the day she passed. I take that as a sign that no matter what,  she’s always with me. Thinking this way helps me cope with my loss.

Why me? What am I supposed to learn from this? Going along in life without her guidance, guessing my way through my trails and bumping my head so many times I’m surprised I don’t have a permanent knot on my head. One of the things she warned me of before her passing is to not let people take my kindness for weakness. I find it odd that those words uttered from her mouth over 13 years ago. I was a young girl no older than ten. Somehow she knew what my biggest problem would be in life, and that is loving too much. Spreading myself so thin my middle name should be crepe. *that was corny lol* She knew that most would take advantage of my kind and helping heart rather than reciprocate. She knew that most of my pain in life would come from me loving others. I think after all these years I can finally take heed to her words of wisdom, the conclusion to that is to Love me first.

 

*you will be forever missed*