Inevitable Changes

Boyfriends become Ex’s

Friends grow part

Kids become adults

No matter the inevitable changes…

I will always have music!

Mother of Two: Daily Duties

My day starts with me peeling myself out of bed at 7:30 am, I can set my alarm to 7 am all I want, but my body won’t respond until 7:30 am sharp. I hurry to the bathroom to let out what feels like a whole weeks worth of pee!  Then I scurry to my daughters room to pick up the variety of items off the floor while yelling her name to get up *she’s a deep sleeper* I then make my way to my son by whispering sweetly in his ear *he’s a light sleeper* all he needs is to hear my raspy voice and there appears his half smile, following some crusty white stuff on the sides of his mouth.

The kids are lucky enough to get their baths the night before. So in the mornings, its wash face, brush teeth *if we have time,* grab an apple, orange, pop tart, or whatever’s the easiest and were out the door. I’m blessed if I have an ounce of energy to take a shower the night before *it helps make mornings a little easier*, Of course, I get ready last in the morning and sometimes I slap my makeup on in the car, because like I said time is never on my side and neither is sleep.

Anyways, I rush through traffic by taking as many shortcuts as possible and sometimes it takes even longer with the shortcuts… all this just to get them off to daycare and school, then I’m back on the road to drive 24 minutes in more traffic *the way my anxiety set up, I cannot stand traffic!*

Never the less I make it work, sometimes I’m on time.  I spend my work day talking a lot and maneuvering a mouse on my computer. My eyes strain as my work day gets shorter. I sometimes cry at my desk thinking about things I cannot change, and sometimes I feel nothing at all, just staring blankly at the wall of my cube, awaiting my next task. I anticipate the relieving feeling of escaping the office setting, but my job is not done…I make my way to pick up the children from daycare. *I feel like I barely see them*

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When I arrive at the daycare center, my son does this run jump thingy into my arms as he screams out “Mommy” *the best feeling in the world* I’m tired though but I fight through it and pick him up following a tight hug. He always, always, always, ask for his sister and we make our way to her classroom. My daughter’s eyes light up in excitement to see me and that’s rewarding as well. *after all, I’m doing all of this for them* Her first words are “Hi mommy” following “can we go to the park?” and of course I comply exhausted and all.

After 40 minutes to an hour at the park, I get one kid off the slide while I’m chasing my son to let’s go! He starts his little tantrum because he’s not ready to leave, but I know he will be sleep within 3 minutes of the car ride home. On the ride home sometimes it’s quite because all three of us are just beat, sometimes we listen to music and rock out with the last bit of energy we have, and sometimes we just talk about how my daughter day of school was, and my son just sits in contentment.

We load up our bags jackets etc and wiggle the keys through the door. Kicking our shoes off before we can barely enter the house fully, and we all find a place to sit for a bit. I’ve already accepted that I’m defeated, but I keep fighting to give the kids baths and put food on the table. I hold it together to keep my sanity just to do it all over again tomorrow…

We spend about an hour or so preparing for bed and we may have time to read together or watch Super Why or My Little Pony *I know all the words to both theme songs* lol

Some days are easier and some days are harder, the key is not to give up. I know that all my hard word will pay off. We won’t stay in our two bedroom apartment because I will buy us a home. We won’t have to spend 12 hours a day away from each other because I will start my own business or maybe become a famous writer one day. I not only hope for a better future for me and my babies I know we well have one as long as there is breath in my body.

*For all the single parents out there keep on keeping on, your hard work does not go unnoticed* 🙂

The Girl With No Name: Short Story: Part 1

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She sits alone in a dark place pondering, analyzing, remembering, trying to forget, a weird form of meditating if you will. As she sits, the room gets darker, time passes, and a cold chill of loneliness sweeps her heart. The dark isolation of nothing other than herself has forced her to look within for light. Her light lives deep within her soul, she fears the unknown, but knows that the only way to find herself would be to face her fears within every crevice of her being. The mirror has its everlasting gift to show the outside of ones existence, but only she can understand, realize, except, control, and express her true self. Eyes serve no purpose on the journey within…and she wonders will her journey ever end?

She is brave and fierce in her calling to serve a purpose in life. She feels an intuitive nag that confirms there is something more to her existence, she sees the inevitable  beauty of the sky and sees herself being just like the sky, free and vast. She longs for true freedom, like a  bird soaring through life, but only for her to feel as if she’s in a cage, confined in ugliness. She wonders on thinking is there even a such thing as happiness on earth? With all that is wrong with the world,  how can one be so selfish to want happiness for ourselves, but not for others? So many questions like a small child, and she remembers when she was a small child, questions that still have no true answer without it all being crumbled by theory. The dark place gets even darker as she dives deeper into her subconscious, taping into places where creativity thrives and Epiphany’s are found.

Shes in a cave of emotion, fear fills her heart and she wonders how she keeps ending up here. Here being a place of doubt and no confidence in her emotional state in life. She realizes that all of her down falls in life and love has been, because of her lack to trust herself and understand her true feelings. It’s like being in love with two people, constantly conflicted, not sure which way to go. She’s searching deep and tears start to weld, still in a state of deep thought, she tries to forget her first heart break and the many that would come after. She digs deeper into the ruins of her past, because somewhere along the way she lost something. Going into the details of her past is not a pleasant place to be, but she knows being completely honest with herself can result in a beacon of light to pierce its way through her broken heart. A broken heart that’s desperate for mending, she finds away to look beyond her fears, and so she begins her search…

 

Hey Yall

It’s been some time since I’ve exposed my deepest feelings and fears to a community of writers also known as complete strangers. Hey, sometimes life has its way of bringing you right back to where you started. However you now have the gift of seeing things from a whole new perspective, your given an opportunity to find appreciation in what you already have, and most importantly having complete belief and optimism about the future. This new year has had its punches, but it also has challenged me to look to a new way of life. They say our childhoods assist in molding who we will be as adults. My childhood, which I’m sure some of my readers can tell the struggles I have endured has surely molded me to be the strong woman I am today. However there are some downfalls to this strong demeanor which only the circumstances of life, has forced me to develop.

Aggression they call it! I say I will not stand for anything that is unethical and not righteous. I am not a saint however the basic rules of life, coexisting in a world of billions, and simply treating people the way you would like to be treated is my model.  I am not out to harm, steal, cheat, use, manipulate take advantage of, take for granted, or impose any negativity in anyone’s life. Hey, even if you’ve hurt me in the past, used, lied, manipulated, taken advantage of, I choose to fight my battles wisely. Now please do  not get this misunderstood, I will not stand for anyone doing such things. What comes off as aggression is in all actuality, me protecting myself from Bu**Sh**! People are so full of Bull and life has taught me how to stand up for myself. No more making excuses, I’m happy to be brave enough to truly except situation for what they are, accept people for who they are and who they will be. I cannot change how one chooses to treat me but I can choose my reaction. I know there is much power that lies within my vessel , and I am determined to Master Myself.

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No Push Over

Have you ever stood up for yourself, then the person flipped the situation, and you found yourself apologizing? Have you found yourself feeling guilty for demanding your respect from an individual while they play the “victim” card? Do you find yourself second guessing your decisions, because your worried about criticism from a specific person? Are you always giving, time, money, energy, advice, whatever, only to receive the opposite of what you put out?

You may be dealing with a user/ manipulator. If your not sure put them to the test by being more aware of there daily interaction with you. Pay more attention to body language and actions rather than what they say. These people are usually very charming and can talk their way out of almost anything. Beware of the person who doesn’t mind effecting your world in a negative way, only to gain in their life from using up your resources. Your energy and time is precious, once given you cannot get it back, so its very important to know those that truly have your best interest at heart and are genuine the love will naturally be reciprocated.

People just want to storm into your life place there problems and burdens on you, and somehow your all alone in your own endeavors? This is called being used! People love your good qualities, because they see how they can benefit from them. They never think about how there presence is effecting you, hell they don’t even care, its a one way view for people like this. Users, emotional and financial abusers, these people use manipulation as a paint brush to smear their garbage all over your life, and your left alone to pick up their shit and your own! They make you feel stupid for thinking for yourself by undermining and belittling you. They seem like they have the best intentions for you at first, by seeming helpful and interested in your goals. Its all so that you can open up, so they can find a soft spot in your heart for them to play on. Do not be fooled by this type of person and their tactics to suck the life out of you. Is it intentional or a subtle trait that some use to their advantage?

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Conclusion: Do not think because it’s your family, friend from high, or even your partner/spouse that they will not try to use manipulation to get their way. Even children use manipulation on an subconscious level to get their way in. You are not to be taken advantage of or have your kindness taken for weakness. Do not be afraid to call a person on their bluff! They may not like that your calling them out on the BS, however they will respect you. No push over resides here!

 

 

Confessions

I don’t know how to handle my deepest emotions. I cant stand that I see through peoples bullshit, but I have a heart that allows it. I hate that I love harder than most and that I will bend over backward for the people I love. I show love to strangers, friends, family, and even those that have hurt me. I don’t understand why I am who I am.

This is  why the journey to self discovery is so deep and real to me. Every time I start to love someone they show me in the most subtle ways that they will not last in my world. They don’t deserve to have me, but its too late I have already given myself, because I want to be loved, I want someone to believe in my dreams as I do theirs.

I’m tired of being used for my good energy, my good vibes, my positive reinforcement, my ability to not judge others for their flaws or mistakes, my understanding of ones issues, my natural caring and nurturing side, my want to help and make sure everyone and everything is alright…

Who’s there for me in the end who makes sure I’m ok?