Change is Inevitable

transformation_butterfly

True Love takes Sacrifice: 

Only the tides from the strongest of storms can compare to how I have learned to over come some of life hardest struggles. Being born without a father, losing my mother at 16, breaking up with my fiance and father of my son after four years, and overcoming all the little battles in between. January 21 of 2017, made one year that I’ve been single and I’m loving it to some degree. It wasn’t my intention to leave my ex, I wanted to build a life with him and our blended family, but you can not force others to take the proper actions in the right direction. No matter how much you think you love them you must know when the time comes to change the circumstances in which your faced with. Understanding that every decision you make will create a course of events to follow ones decision. I knew no matter how much it hurts to leave the person you love, I had to, for my children, for me, and maybe even for him to see that real love takes sacrifice.

Exchange of Power:

2016 Dating scene was one of the worst! I didn’t jump right back out there I took at least 4-6 months to focus on me and the events that were suddenly changing the course of my life. I imagined myself stuck in a unhappy union with a man that didn’t love his-self, so how could I honestly expect him to love me? He tried, I think he had the best intentions, however when you know your worth you will not settle for emotional and physical abuse, or lack of trust and high levels of manipulation. I could no longer see things in a positive light, to continue to force it would have only done us both more harm than good. I used to be in love, but only the idea of what I thought we could have. I realized being truly in love is a feeling shared between both people a balance and exchange of power.

Hurt but Never Broken:

I lost my stability, trying to love a man, me and my kids were living with family for at least three months before I could find a new place. I traveled to 3 cities surrounding the metro area of Minneapolis everyday for 3 months. From St Paul to Minneapolis to drop the kids to daycare then from Minneapolis to Plymouth,to work, and then back again. Talk about crunch time, stress so high that I started to get terrible Migraines frequently, the only good thing I had going was my job and the income from work to help me through the hurt, betrayal, abandonment, and being able to provide for my children. I went into the relationship heart wide open only to leave with my heart cracked, chipped even, but not broken. I will never allow a man to break me.

Hard Work Pays Off:

Fast forward to me and my babies finally getting into our place. Not much, a simple two bedroom apartment, but its ours and I’m proud of it plus the location is awesome! I didn’t have to change my daughter’s school, the daycare is just a mile or so down the road, grocery store next door, car wash, gas station, car shops, dollar store, restaurants, LA fitness down the street, I think you guys get the point, its all about location, location, location! Most days its sending my baby girl off to her second grade class, dropping my son off at daycare, and off to work and back again. Life as a single mom with little to no financial support from dad, can be super time consuming, stressful, and at most lonely even scary at times. All alone in my battles to care for them, keep them fed, happy and healthy, its the hardest job in the world. Would I trade it? Never!

Bamboozled:

At the end of November I found myself walking into a bar on a week day. I had no business there, but she swore by their chicken wings and I was hungry. I had the best seat in the house as I watched this tall dark handsome fella with glasses cook up the Cajun dry rubbed wings I ordered. Its not like me to go after a guy and technically I didn’t. My girlfriend Jenny got her crazy ass up and told him that, “I wanted him to come over my house and cook them wings for me personally”, and “they were the best I’d ever had”, and that part was true. The Wing man and I hit it off so great in just for 4 weeks I was in a tranquility of love and passion. Erupt!! That was all ruined 2 days after Christmas When his girlfriend texted my phone asking how many times I was fucked by him?  We mainly talked and laughed together for 4 weeks it wasn’t about sex but enjoying the feeling from being in one another presence. We only were intimate once and I regret it everyday. I was completely blind sided lied to and played. I literally brought my new year in with a shattered heart… 2016 tried to break me!

Fear Cannot Walk with Change:

One month into the new year, and I’m  owning my position in life. Proclaiming to the universe my presence and impact on the world. I have a gut feeling that only helps to confirm that there is something great in the world, waiting for me. I want to help people, change lives, share my story to give people my honest interpretation and experiences in life. I hope that as I share my story and experiences I don’t only want to attract like minds but gain new relationships and connections that can help the course of all of our lives. Words hold wait connecting with others and growing is important when it comes to growth and gaining the real meaning of life. I’m fearless even with my flaws I’m not afraid to fail, feel pain, be alone, fight for what I want, be the odd ball, I’m not afraid to love and be loved.

The Flash 

I met someone and the story is just beginning for us..more to come as I continue to share my course through life…

 

 

 

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J.S

How could you just quit me like that? Like damn you said you wasn’t “that guy.”The opposite of the type that says hes single and text you every morning after every night. The guy that finds the time for you through his unpredictable work schedule. The guy that kisses you so passionately and sweet that it makes your foot pop. That passion that makes a minute feel like an hour.

Could I be the only one feeling some type of way. Us woman want to master the art of intimacy but lack the emotional control once we’ve experienced that emotion. I’m trying to make sense of why my heart feels crushed. Like damn was it something I did wrong? Ladies stop blaming yourself when the guy switches up on you. Maybe its not you its him, maybe your just too great and he not self loving to see that he deserves you just as much as you deserve him. I thought you said you liked me, you said you didn’t want to be that guy.

The third time we hung out shame on us for moving forward, I see the uniqueness in your eyes and I made a mistake thinking you were different. What are you afraid of? Can you not see greatness when its reaching for you. Do you not want happiness?

I get it now your already happy, with her, with your family, and i know your daughter is a big part of why you stay. The truth is I was just a fling to you, just a course of events that transpired to help you pass the time. I’m more than that you know, I am unique in every way possible. There is beauty residing in every flaw that I have.  I don’t want to wreck you the way you wrecked me, as if u actually have the power to do so. Your happy already with her and I’m just the fool that didn’t pay attention to the signs. I’m the fool to see past your lies into the core of you heart, mind, and deepest desires. Does loving someone equal your happiness or your success in life? Be mindful that good things don’t just fall in your lap everyday so if you do have something good try cherishing it. Work on your relationship and most importantly yourself. The next woman you manboozle may not be so nice.

With everyday that passes I’m learning to accept the past events and see them as a learning lesson. Not only have I learned that most men are liars and cheaters no matter the charm and no matter the so called intention, your actions will always define who you are. I’m stronger now and have rolled up my heart from my sleeves learning to cherish the love I have to give. I’m holding my heart so dear to me because its to valuable to be broken.