Butterfly

The guilt that I bare will last an eternity♥ I pray to the universe that one day you will come back to me♥ I ask my mind, to ask my heart, to forgive me♥

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Baby: For the Future

via Daily Prompt: Baby

Did you know that life is not fair, and although you didn’t ask be here, life is apart of your destiny. I only hope that you will find heart break and true love, that you will see the sun rise and hear the ocean roar. I prey to the universe for your health and longevity, that will one day cause tears to well, just enough for you to appreciate all the little things in life. Some people simply move too fast to see, some people don’t want to see. Find yourself in all that is tangible and real. Find peace, find happiness and live without fear. You will never die, when its all said and done you will leave your mark, only to ascend back to be born again.

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Change is Inevitable

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True Love takes Sacrifice: 

Only the tides from the strongest of storms can compare to how I have learned to over come some of life hardest struggles. Being born without a father, losing my mother at 16, breaking up with my fiance and father of my son after four years, and overcoming all the little battles in between. January 21 of 2017, made one year that I’ve been single and I’m loving it to some degree. It wasn’t my intention to leave my ex, I wanted to build a life with him and our blended family, but you can not force others to take the proper actions in the right direction. No matter how much you think you love them you must know when the time comes to change the circumstances in which your faced with. Understanding that every decision you make will create a course of events to follow ones decision. I knew no matter how much it hurts to leave the person you love, I had to, for my children, for me, and maybe even for him to see that real love takes sacrifice.

Exchange of Power:

2016 Dating scene was one of the worst! I didn’t jump right back out there I took at least 4-6 months to focus on me and the events that were suddenly changing the course of my life. I imagined myself stuck in a unhappy union with a man that didn’t love his-self, so how could I honestly expect him to love me? He tried, I think he had the best intentions, however when you know your worth you will not settle for emotional and physical abuse, or lack of trust and high levels of manipulation. I could no longer see things in a positive light, to continue to force it would have only done us both more harm than good. I used to be in love, but only the idea of what I thought we could have. I realized being truly in love is a feeling shared between both people a balance and exchange of power.

Hurt but Never Broken:

I lost my stability, trying to love a man, me and my kids were living with family for at least three months before I could find a new place. I traveled to 3 cities surrounding the metro area of Minneapolis everyday for 3 months. From St Paul to Minneapolis to drop the kids to daycare then from Minneapolis to Plymouth,to work, and then back again. Talk about crunch time, stress so high that I started to get terrible Migraines frequently, the only good thing I had going was my job and the income from work to help me through the hurt, betrayal, abandonment, and being able to provide for my children. I went into the relationship heart wide open only to leave with my heart cracked, chipped even, but not broken. I will never allow a man to break me.

Hard Work Pays Off:

Fast forward to me and my babies finally getting into our place. Not much, a simple two bedroom apartment, but its ours and I’m proud of it plus the location is awesome! I didn’t have to change my daughter’s school, the daycare is just a mile or so down the road, grocery store next door, car wash, gas station, car shops, dollar store, restaurants, LA fitness down the street, I think you guys get the point, its all about location, location, location! Most days its sending my baby girl off to her second grade class, dropping my son off at daycare, and off to work and back again. Life as a single mom with little to no financial support from dad, can be super time consuming, stressful, and at most lonely even scary at times. All alone in my battles to care for them, keep them fed, happy and healthy, its the hardest job in the world. Would I trade it? Never!

Bamboozled:

At the end of November I found myself walking into a bar on a week day. I had no business there, but she swore by their chicken wings and I was hungry. I had the best seat in the house as I watched this tall dark handsome fella with glasses cook up the Cajun dry rubbed wings I ordered. Its not like me to go after a guy and technically I didn’t. My girlfriend Jenny got her crazy ass up and told him that, “I wanted him to come over my house and cook them wings for me personally”, and “they were the best I’d ever had”, and that part was true. The Wing man and I hit it off so great in just for 4 weeks I was in a tranquility of love and passion. Erupt!! That was all ruined 2 days after Christmas When his girlfriend texted my phone asking how many times I was fucked by him?  We mainly talked and laughed together for 4 weeks it wasn’t about sex but enjoying the feeling from being in one another presence. We only were intimate once and I regret it everyday. I was completely blind sided lied to and played. I literally brought my new year in with a shattered heart… 2016 tried to break me!

Fear Cannot Walk with Change:

One month into the new year, and I’m  owning my position in life. Proclaiming to the universe my presence and impact on the world. I have a gut feeling that only helps to confirm that there is something great in the world, waiting for me. I want to help people, change lives, share my story to give people my honest interpretation and experiences in life. I hope that as I share my story and experiences I don’t only want to attract like minds but gain new relationships and connections that can help the course of all of our lives. Words hold wait connecting with others and growing is important when it comes to growth and gaining the real meaning of life. I’m fearless even with my flaws I’m not afraid to fail, feel pain, be alone, fight for what I want, be the odd ball, I’m not afraid to love and be loved.

The Flash 

I met someone and the story is just beginning for us..more to come as I continue to share my course through life…

 

 

 

Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

I thought I understood what you meant when you would say you were tired. I tried to understand, but I was just a girl Ma.  Your first born, your daughter, the one you called a cry baby at birth, you couldn’t turn your back without hearing my mouth, you said you would even play music to try and soothe me. I loved it when you would tell me stories about the fun wild things you would do as a child, the adventures you and my uncle John would take over train tracks in Gary, Indiana. Those crazy ass whooping’s granddaddy would give you when you used to sneak out the window, to go to the skating rink. I have a vivid memory of the details about your life, and the life we shared together. I was always sharp witted, I definitely inherited  that from you. I mean its crazy how long its been since we last spoke, hugged or even said ” I love you”. Twelve hard years without your love and support. It’s weird, because you see stuff in movies and you hear about the terrible things that happen in other people lives yet you never think it could happen to you, until it actually happens to you.To experience the loss of your mother is an emotion without description.

I’m a woman now, I have two kids, and I’m a dedicated mother just like you were. I now get a glimpse of the sacrifices you made in order for us to see a meal on the table, and clothes on our backs. I’m so proud of you Mom, and amazed at your strength, you keep me going when I’m drained from taking on life alone. I say I’m alone, because the unconditional love that only a mother can give her daughter I lost the fall after my 16th birthday. Sweet sixteen, yet there was nothing sweet about the events that transpired thus after. If I would have new then what I would soon come to find out, maybe the last words I heard from you wouldn’t pierce my heart to this day. I tried to get home that night and it must have been some sort of unknown force working against me. I’m glad that we got to hang out a couple days before it all went down though. We went to see some scary movie that I cant think of the name, but would recognize the movie if I saw it. We were like friends and I know that I was “my mothers keeper.” I always tried to please you and help make your job as a mom easier in whatever way a kid new how. The burden of watching your everyday struggle and not having the power to change it, has left a hollow piece in my heart. They say prayer helps, I prayed everyday for you to get a second chance, still you struggled.

For some reason the summer of my sixteenth birthday I just didn’t sit still, you didn’t fuss. Maybe you felt guilty about me never having a normal childhood, maybe I took advantage, or maybe it was a bit of both. I was independent had me a little job and everything, saw some weird stuff too, that summer. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. I wanted to do everything myself so you didn’t have to feel guilty for not being able to afford all the things that a 16 year old girl wanted. I even offered to pay the light bill whatever I could do to make it so you didn’t have to worry. Sometimes I fantasize about what life would be like if you didn’t leave us that day. Even writing this letter seems a bit cliche, but I don’t care I have to talk to you, even though I know I will never receive a response.

Anyways, Dad kept his word and did his best to keep all you children together after you went away. We all have found our own way of living in your absence. We didn’t get grievance counseling I guess that’s for white people huh. lol I wish my brothers would have gotten some counseling since they both were there to see you fall, I sometimes wonder why I wasn’t there, and if I had been, would I have lost my mind too? The boys have struggled much more than us girls and I know its, because they did not have each other to lean on. Shortly after you passed away my baby brother was taken away too. I lost not only you but the very baby that contributed to your illness in the first place. Grudges hinder the heart but some actions can never be forgiven.  Its not your fault Momma you did the best you could. I’m hear to tell your story and everyday that passes someone hears about you, someone is reminded of your smile when I smile, heck sometimes I even see you in me and in my sisters. When my sister sings I hear your voice, when my other sister draws I can see the the beautiful dolphins you used to draw, even when I play music that you used to love I can sometimes feel your energy and tears uncontrollably run down my cheek. Your life will not be for nothing, every time I think of giving up I remember how you never did.

love is infinite,

your oldest

 

Copyright 2017 Z.Harps

No love Lost

I’m always getting hurt, what the fuck, is there not one single person on the planet for me? Of the millions and billions of people on the planet the ones that  I’ve encountered are never who they claim to be. How is it that I’m attracting these assholes into my life, when I’m the complete opposite of everything they stand for? I am real, honest and genuine in who I say I am. The one thing I cannot do is lie, Its never fair to manipulate and mislead someone. People are hurt constantly because of the lack of maturity in adults. Maturity and responsibility to face the result of the bullshit you stir up in other peoples lives. I’ve been single for almost a year and i swear there isn’t shit out here, Love is lost in 2016 most people don’t even believe in the purity of it.

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Love is an action and when it comes to a person actions that’s what determines there love for you. You don’t have to be in love to show someone love. I show love everyday to strangers hobo’s friends family co workers, because of my actions each and every encounter I have I do my best to be genuine and real. Is it really that fucking hard to be a descent human being in the 21st century? I don’t want to be a door matte for people and I also don’t want to be so turned off by life and relationships that I become an introvert,bitter and doesn’t think there is  anything good in this world. I know there is something out here for me, a calling of some sort, and if I could just place my finger on it I will open up a whole new world for me. Am I afraid? How could I be when I’m constantly taking chances on people, placing believe, faith, and false senses of reality seeing the picture in an abstract form, just to end up with what I already feel in my gut. I always try to see the good in people giving them the benefit of the doubt. The curiosity in me causes me to look past my gut feeling thus allowing me to see something in people that does not exist. I want so badly to be appreciated loved and cared for in the most Innocent way,  and if I know my luck I will have to dig real deep and work hard to get want I deserve.  I’ve always had to work harder than most just to obtain the simplest things in life. To really expect for a loyal healthy loving relationship to be easily obtained, clearly I’m fooling myself. To be quite honest I don’t want an easy love but a true one. You cant build a future on ill intentions, lies, and manipulation.

I’m not desperate I just want it to be real when the attraction is mutual. I don’t get off on sex like most people. I have to be mentally stimulated by you in order to feel that type of connection. So its even more special to me if/ or when I decide I want to become physical. The part that sucks is men don’t understand this and this is why in general they deal with a lot of drama from women. Stop being a coward and be honest about your intentions and what your really looking for in a relationship. A lot of times women will respect you more for just being honest; Honesty will always get you further and guarantee for viewer burned bridges. Playing games though that for adolescent  mindsets  and nothing good ever comes with playing when you dealing with reality. I think so many fucked up thoughts and never act on them, because I understand the power behind my actions. Its so sad that I’m almost 30 yet I see no real growth in my peers and in my relationships with men specifically.

My optimism about life and relationships allowed me to give 3 1/2 years of my life to a man who never trusted me and to this day still wants to guilt me for something i never did. I’m still working through a lot of shit and i just want a real friend. This year is coming to an end causing us all to reflect and this reflection has shown  me that the only real friend you have in life is yourself. The fear of being alone causes us to seek out others to experience and obtain things we can give ourselves. Not material things, but the priceless most precious things in life. I’m going to own this new year and I feel every bit of emotion as I proclaim what I want to the universe. I want to be happy, I want to have real true honest relationships in my career, with my family, with my friends, with love, and most importantly I want to find love peace and happiness within myself.

 

Copyright Z.Harps