Music&Melody

Music is a universal language! The different vibrations  coming together to form a melody that can lift a person out of the pitt of emotional turmoil. It has the power to sooth a crying baby and uplift your spirit for heavens sake. It gives you the ability to travel through time by hearing sound waves that are familiar to you, sparking a memory that you thought was lost. You can even feel past emotion just from hearing an old song that you once loved.  When you here music you actually listen to make a connection, something moves inside of you allowing you to see pass race, gender, and class. It’s innocent and you get so excited you want to hear the melody again, heck you even want to share that feeling with a friend.

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They say you can learn a lot, just from hearing a person’s choice of music. Listen to the vibrations we all give off and cling to those that sound familiar to you, be called to the sounds that are not and be open minded to fall in love with the melody of change and growth.  Lets close our eyes and listen to one another, minus judgment and bias preconceptions.

Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

I thought I understood what you meant when you would say you were tired. I tried to understand, but I was just a girl Ma.  Your first born, your daughter, the one you called a cry baby at birth, you couldn’t turn your back without hearing my mouth, you said you would even play music to try and soothe me. I loved it when you would tell me stories about the fun wild things you would do as a child, the adventures you and my uncle John would take over train tracks in Gary, Indiana. Those crazy ass whooping’s granddaddy would give you when you used to sneak out the window, to go to the skating rink. I have a vivid memory of the details about your life, and the life we shared together. I was always sharp witted, I definitely inherited  that from you. I mean its crazy how long its been since we last spoke, hugged or even said ” I love you”. Twelve hard years without your love and support. It’s weird, because you see stuff in movies and you hear about the terrible things that happen in other people lives yet you never think it could happen to you, until it actually happens to you.To experience the loss of your mother is an emotion without description.

I’m a woman now, I have two kids, and I’m a dedicated mother just like you were. I now get a glimpse of the sacrifices you made in order for us to see a meal on the table, and clothes on our backs. I’m so proud of you Mom, and amazed at your strength, you keep me going when I’m drained from taking on life alone. I say I’m alone, because the unconditional love that only a mother can give her daughter I lost the fall after my 16th birthday. Sweet sixteen, yet there was nothing sweet about the events that transpired thus after. If I would have new then what I would soon come to find out, maybe the last words I heard from you wouldn’t pierce my heart to this day. I tried to get home that night and it must have been some sort of unknown force working against me. I’m glad that we got to hang out a couple days before it all went down though. We went to see some scary movie that I cant think of the name, but would recognize the movie if I saw it. We were like friends and I know that I was “my mothers keeper.” I always tried to please you and help make your job as a mom easier in whatever way a kid new how. The burden of watching your everyday struggle and not having the power to change it, has left a hollow piece in my heart. They say prayer helps, I prayed everyday for you to get a second chance, still you struggled.

For some reason the summer of my sixteenth birthday I just didn’t sit still, you didn’t fuss. Maybe you felt guilty about me never having a normal childhood, maybe I took advantage, or maybe it was a bit of both. I was independent had me a little job and everything, saw some weird stuff too, that summer. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. I wanted to do everything myself so you didn’t have to feel guilty for not being able to afford all the things that a 16 year old girl wanted. I even offered to pay the light bill whatever I could do to make it so you didn’t have to worry. Sometimes I fantasize about what life would be like if you didn’t leave us that day. Even writing this letter seems a bit cliche, but I don’t care I have to talk to you, even though I know I will never receive a response.

Anyways, Dad kept his word and did his best to keep all you children together after you went away. We all have found our own way of living in your absence. We didn’t get grievance counseling I guess that’s for white people huh. lol I wish my brothers would have gotten some counseling since they both were there to see you fall, I sometimes wonder why I wasn’t there, and if I had been, would I have lost my mind too? The boys have struggled much more than us girls and I know its, because they did not have each other to lean on. Shortly after you passed away my baby brother was taken away too. I lost not only you but the very baby that contributed to your illness in the first place. Grudges hinder the heart but some actions can never be forgiven.  Its not your fault Momma you did the best you could. I’m hear to tell your story and everyday that passes someone hears about you, someone is reminded of your smile when I smile, heck sometimes I even see you in me and in my sisters. When my sister sings I hear your voice, when my other sister draws I can see the the beautiful dolphins you used to draw, even when I play music that you used to love I can sometimes feel your energy and tears uncontrollably run down my cheek. Your life will not be for nothing, every time I think of giving up I remember how you never did.

love is infinite,

your oldest

 

Copyright 2017 Z.Harps

To My Brothas

I’m not giving up on my brothers, I never will, because for one I’m raising a black boy to be a black man in America. I will make sure he understands the value of a black woman. That he takes pride in his title to be the king of the jungle. I want him to understand his power mentally, which is the most powerful thing of all. It is important to teach unity among  ones people, the value of taking pride in who you are and owning your thrown. The sad part about it is our black men in north America are worse off due to the lack of education, lack of freedom, lack of structure and balance, lack of income and wealth, lack of being a active father, lack of having descent morality, lack of hope and motivation. I do not say this to degrade my brothers  but to actually state the truth and beam the light of revelation to our current situation as a whole. most of you are in prison dead or gang banging and getting high everyday. Listening to music that only spills poison into your mental and paints a false reality of what life should be like. There are 12 jewels in life work your hardest to  obtain them for it will bring you all that you seek while in this physical form of existence.

1.Knowledge 2.Wisdom 3. Understanding 4.Food 5.Clothing 6.Shelter 7.Justice 8.Freedom 9.Equality 10.Love 11.Peace 12.Happiness The most precious things in life are priceless. We look to material things to give us a sense of happiness, why not look for happiness in ones self. Ever think about why after a man does time in prison hes now refined and eager for change, because learned how to find happiness in the mind. It’s OK to want nice things, hell I want nice things too. I also want a clear conscious so instead of taking the “easy way out” like selling pussy or shacking up old dirty Harry instead I work honorably to obtain what I need and want in the most righteous way possible. Not only does doing things in a respectful manner keep your conscious clear but it also promotes you to take care of what you’ve worked so hard for your less likely to take for granted what you put your blood sweat and tears into.

I could do most of the list above alone and maybe be content in my situation for a long period of time, eventually one will become dissatisfied, and seek out what is missing. Its about natural order in life man, woman, and child going through out life learning many lessons to grow as a family and individually. Then taking all you’ve learned and  pass it on to the next generation. Our people once saw this structure that I describe as important, now not so much, most people make there own rules and we’ve lost touch on whats important in life. Family! What is a family without the man of the house owning his thrown, protecting his queen, teaching the babies, building in all aspects with his queen? This is no fairy tale, this is a reality that  few live everyday and most people hope for. I’m no master at life but a student eager for knowledge, eager to learn and share what I know with others. The thoughts I formulate are but a spec of how deep my mind can go and having only so many words to express my deepest emotions. I want change thus allowing for constant growth. I see where we as black people need improvement, understanding the value of togetherness, support, and family to help us get back to where we once were in order to get to where we want to be.

Black man that change starts with you! You are a natural leader so own your thrown. Set an example for the next generation. Show your women that they can believe in you that they can depend on you to not lie steal and cheat your way through life. I know its never easy being a black man in America but its not impossible to make it, its not impossible to overcome the forces that work against you. You will have the support of your beautiful black queen and family to hold you up when your shoulders and head hang low. A Lot of naive Americans will never understand your position being a black man in America, so don’t look for validation from these type of people. Take on the challenge of being praying for your continued failure. Show them who you are by what you do and not what you preach. Peace 🙂

 

Copyright Z.Harps

No love Lost

I’m always getting hurt, what the fuck, is there not one single person on the planet for me? Of the millions and billions of people on the planet the ones that  I’ve encountered are never who they claim to be. How is it that I’m attracting these assholes into my life, when I’m the complete opposite of everything they stand for? I am real, honest and genuine in who I say I am. The one thing I cannot do is lie, Its never fair to manipulate and mislead someone. People are hurt constantly because of the lack of maturity in adults. Maturity and responsibility to face the result of the bullshit you stir up in other peoples lives. I’ve been single for almost a year and i swear there isn’t shit out here, Love is lost in 2016 most people don’t even believe in the purity of it.

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Love is an action and when it comes to a person actions that’s what determines there love for you. You don’t have to be in love to show someone love. I show love everyday to strangers hobo’s friends family co workers, because of my actions each and every encounter I have I do my best to be genuine and real. Is it really that fucking hard to be a descent human being in the 21st century? I don’t want to be a door matte for people and I also don’t want to be so turned off by life and relationships that I become an introvert,bitter and doesn’t think there is  anything good in this world. I know there is something out here for me, a calling of some sort, and if I could just place my finger on it I will open up a whole new world for me. Am I afraid? How could I be when I’m constantly taking chances on people, placing believe, faith, and false senses of reality seeing the picture in an abstract form, just to end up with what I already feel in my gut. I always try to see the good in people giving them the benefit of the doubt. The curiosity in me causes me to look past my gut feeling thus allowing me to see something in people that does not exist. I want so badly to be appreciated loved and cared for in the most Innocent way,  and if I know my luck I will have to dig real deep and work hard to get want I deserve.  I’ve always had to work harder than most just to obtain the simplest things in life. To really expect for a loyal healthy loving relationship to be easily obtained, clearly I’m fooling myself. To be quite honest I don’t want an easy love but a true one. You cant build a future on ill intentions, lies, and manipulation.

I’m not desperate I just want it to be real when the attraction is mutual. I don’t get off on sex like most people. I have to be mentally stimulated by you in order to feel that type of connection. So its even more special to me if/ or when I decide I want to become physical. The part that sucks is men don’t understand this and this is why in general they deal with a lot of drama from women. Stop being a coward and be honest about your intentions and what your really looking for in a relationship. A lot of times women will respect you more for just being honest; Honesty will always get you further and guarantee for viewer burned bridges. Playing games though that for adolescent  mindsets  and nothing good ever comes with playing when you dealing with reality. I think so many fucked up thoughts and never act on them, because I understand the power behind my actions. Its so sad that I’m almost 30 yet I see no real growth in my peers and in my relationships with men specifically.

My optimism about life and relationships allowed me to give 3 1/2 years of my life to a man who never trusted me and to this day still wants to guilt me for something i never did. I’m still working through a lot of shit and i just want a real friend. This year is coming to an end causing us all to reflect and this reflection has shown  me that the only real friend you have in life is yourself. The fear of being alone causes us to seek out others to experience and obtain things we can give ourselves. Not material things, but the priceless most precious things in life. I’m going to own this new year and I feel every bit of emotion as I proclaim what I want to the universe. I want to be happy, I want to have real true honest relationships in my career, with my family, with my friends, with love, and most importantly I want to find love peace and happiness within myself.

 

Copyright Z.Harps

J.S

How could you just quit me like that? Like damn you said you wasn’t “that guy.”The opposite of the type that says hes single and text you every morning after every night. The guy that finds the time for you through his unpredictable work schedule. The guy that kisses you so passionately and sweet that it makes your foot pop. That passion that makes a minute feel like an hour.

Could I be the only one feeling some type of way. Us woman want to master the art of intimacy but lack the emotional control once we’ve experienced that emotion. I’m trying to make sense of why my heart feels crushed. Like damn was it something I did wrong? Ladies stop blaming yourself when the guy switches up on you. Maybe its not you its him, maybe your just too great and he not self loving to see that he deserves you just as much as you deserve him. I thought you said you liked me, you said you didn’t want to be that guy.

The third time we hung out shame on us for moving forward, I see the uniqueness in your eyes and I made a mistake thinking you were different. What are you afraid of? Can you not see greatness when its reaching for you. Do you not want happiness?

I get it now your already happy, with her, with your family, and i know your daughter is a big part of why you stay. The truth is I was just a fling to you, just a course of events that transpired to help you pass the time. I’m more than that you know, I am unique in every way possible. There is beauty residing in every flaw that I have.  I don’t want to wreck you the way you wrecked me, as if u actually have the power to do so. Your happy already with her and I’m just the fool that didn’t pay attention to the signs. I’m the fool to see past your lies into the core of you heart, mind, and deepest desires. Does loving someone equal your happiness or your success in life? Be mindful that good things don’t just fall in your lap everyday so if you do have something good try cherishing it. Work on your relationship and most importantly yourself. The next woman you manboozle may not be so nice.

With everyday that passes I’m learning to accept the past events and see them as a learning lesson. Not only have I learned that most men are liars and cheaters no matter the charm and no matter the so called intention, your actions will always define who you are. I’m stronger now and have rolled up my heart from my sleeves learning to cherish the love I have to give. I’m holding my heart so dear to me because its to valuable to be broken.