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I’ve been forced, you’ve left me with no other choice! I love myself more than you ever did or ever will and so I am forced to never love you. I hate that I have to let you go, but your like poison that taste good, you are venom that feels good, you are an atomic bomb on my heart causing the explosion of my never ending tears, grand reaper of  all hearts. From sun down to sun up I think of you and what we could have had, our unborn seed, me his mom and you her dad. I cannot fathom how you let me slip away when on those cold and rainy days I was there to wipe away your doubt. I’ve been forced not to love you, because your lies failed to see the truth in me, in us, in we.

Love is Like Building a House!

Nobody ever listens to you, when you are crying out. They pretend to listen, but as soon as you turn to walk away they forget that you are suffering, they forget that you asked for help, without directly asking for help. I remember my mothers words as a young girl, “don’t let people take your kindness for weakness”. Was this a warning, that she could foresee, that I would be a doormat for people to trample over? Did she make that same mistake in her short lived life?

I’m sending a warning to myself for the future. lol I cant advise others on how to live or what to do when I have yet to master my full potential. I share my thoughts, opinions, and even ramble a little. At least I’m honest and unafraid to speak my mind. I’m honest enough to say that love weakens me, because I want it so bad. Whenever it seems or feels familiar I run at it with full speed. Everybody knows what happens when you speed, you lose sight of things. Your going so fast that you don’t see the details or the warning signs that tell you your going the wrong way. Your moving so fast that you may even pass by your actual destination, finding yourself back tracking, starting over, and trying to find your way again.

Is it fear that explains why I allow people to hurt me? Am I afraid that I will never find true love? It seems far fetched, unrealistic, and somewhat like a fantasy, but not impossible. So I have hope! I don’t ask for a lot, but trust, honesty, communication, and thoughtfulness. Is this too much to ask? Yeah maybe if a person isn’t in a relationship for love.  Love isn’t hard, people make it hard with their carelessness with having someone else’s heart in their hands. Love is a universal language that all can understand and relate to. I’m not saying I have all the answers, because clearly I don’t. What I do know is love feels good and sometimes it feels bad, but the foundation should always stay the same. Love is like building a house. You start off slow and steady, aligning each brick neatly, layering concrete to make sure your foundation holds together. As you build, your house grows, and your able to see clearly threw the windows. You continue to build, soon to reach the top of your home, where you will layer your roof, to protect your home from stormy days.

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This metaphor is a little shaky, but not as shaky as your relationship will be if you don’t take the necessary time needed to build a solid foundation. My advise for whoever reading this, let time slow down when you find love. Take all the time you need to build, have fun during this phase, make a few mistakes to test the durability of your relationship. Also allow yourself to keep pushing through the sweat and tears so you can see clearly through the windows of your mates soul. To me its about having a mutual understanding, an unspoken language, and really being in tuned with your partner. Love is a selfless act, one that requires much sacrifice, for you two to benefit together. Build your house of love with precision, this way your love (house) doesn’t easily grumbled whenever life (storms) happens.

Let it Flow

I spend most of my days fighting back the tears, feeling stuck like a dear in head lights. That familiar feeling of pain that eats at your every vain, like poison entering your soul, on a sentence to death row, because love only kills me. It never heals me although I wish it would, or if it even could, just be true. For every beat of my heart that is broken I can feel the tight knot in my throat fighting back my tears, Tears of frustration and feeling like a victim of manipulation. It saddens me even more knowing I was stupid enough to let go, a love so innocent and beautiful, like the white of snow. Now, my heart is like Frankenstein all ugly and put back together, when people think that I’m sorry will fix it. I’m sorry, save it, you’ve said it so much, I’m starting to hate it, I’m starting to hate you, and all that you put me through, and so I spend most of my days fighting back the tears. Tonight I will let them flow, down my cheek and on to my pillow…

In that Order…

The thing about me is I come in peace. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and I will open the opportunity for you to hurt me. why?  I choose to trust, and anytime you trust you risk being hurt and or let down. I cannot control what people do, but I will control myself. I’m not a liar nor hypocrite that has to put on a facade about who I am. I have no problem letting you know what I like and don’t like, so when a problem occurs or when a person starts to push negative energy my way I automatically put up my guard. I’m all good when I’m doing what you want me to do when I’m making shit easier in their life. It’s obvious that people only have there own best interest at heart and they don’t care about who they trample over or use to get there. Then these same type of people will pull the victim card as if the world owes them something. They think because your’re mom sister or girlfriend your obligated to take on their bull shit. NO!!! Not when my deepest and darkest battles to this day I fight alone. I will not pacify someone else struggles while I have to lace up my boot straps and fight through shit and break threw boulders that’s thrown my way. I offer support advise and literally at times, put myself and a jeopardizing situation for people and still am not appreciated. I’m a hopeless romantic that just wants to be loved.  I don’t see why its so hard when I’m coming in peace and genuine. True love isn’t hard, because it should come naturally. Anything that comes natural is easy, fun, and simply enjoy doing it. I will fight for as long as I can. but I’m also a stronger person than I was before, and I’m brave enough to accept people for who they are. I can accept you, but I will not tolerate and or deal with you in my world. I have made it this far and my biggest downfall has been my desire to love a MAN.

I want to desire to love myself more. As soon as I’m shown you don’t care I will guard my heart and my life. I’m dealing with so much internally and I’m ready to break through, I’m not letting people and there personal issues effect my life anymore. Beat it if your not hear to bring peace love and happiness into my life on a consistent bases than you serve no purpose and I don’t want you.

Anyways I’m at work and they don’t pay me to write in my personal blog…so until next time. Stay real and stay strong 🙂

Asking all them Questions

Him: What’s wrong

Her thought: You honestly have to ask whats wrong

Her response: oh nothing

Him: I noticed your acting different

Her thought: You started treating me different

Her response: I just have a lot on my mind

Him: Do you love me

Her thought: If I didn’t why the fuck would I be here

Her response: I never stopped

Me&You

Flowing like a river, as strong as can be, the way you got me going, its like I’m lost at sea

only to find that true love lies beneath the deep ocean, my cum is an explosion, sending

signals to your heart, bonding us, mentally, so that we  never grow apart.

Apart from our differences, we be sitting reminiscing, about the beginning of our fate, how

every action we take, lead us to become mates.

Two headed dragons breathing fire and water, dominating

earth, we will go far, when that road ends, we will live among the stars.

Surrounded by darkness, but have no fear, when it all comes crashing, I will be near,

By near, I’m hear, to hold you dear, never to judge you, only to love you, just us two,

Me&You.

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Confessions

I don’t know how to handle my deepest emotions. I cant stand that I see through peoples bullshit, but I have a heart that allows it. I hate that I love harder than most and that I will bend over backward for the people I love. I show love to strangers, friends, family, and even those that have hurt me. I don’t understand why I am who I am.

This is  why the journey to self discovery is so deep and real to me. Every time I start to love someone they show me in the most subtle ways that they will not last in my world. They don’t deserve to have me, but its too late I have already given myself, because I want to be loved, I want someone to believe in my dreams as I do theirs.

I’m tired of being used for my good energy, my good vibes, my positive reinforcement, my ability to not judge others for their flaws or mistakes, my understanding of ones issues, my natural caring and nurturing side, my want to help and make sure everyone and everything is alright…

Who’s there for me in the end who makes sure I’m ok?

F.L.Y

You cannot have me, you had your fun and now I’m done, you do not deserve me.

You didn’t earn me, you never took the time to learn me, you do not deserve me.

I’m stronger now, stronger than you will ever be, I love even harder now, not for them, not for you, but for me.

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