He wanted your love, He wanted your trust
To believe and have faith
only to find lust and not love
He wanted your love, He wanted your trust
To believe and have faith
only to find lust and not love
When you proclaim what you want to the universe it hears you! Every step you take and decision you make is perpetuating you toward your wants and desires whether your consciously aware of it or not. I have made some commands of changes and new experiences for this year 2017, I would be lying if I said that the universe hasn’t played a huge roll in things working in my favor so far. As I reflect on the events that has transpired over the past month of this New Year, I already understand so much about the power of our thoughts, my connection with the universe, and most importantly making connections with people, to learn, grow, and to see life through another view…
I pride myself on truth and not allowing negative situations to change or break who I am inside, because of this I’m on my way to Vegas with friends, including a very special and dear companion to me. I said I wanted an honest, and health relationship with someone that I consider a best friend, lover, protector, maybe even husband one day, I’ve met him! The best part is I didn’t find him, he didn’t find me, we were introduced by a mutual friend. Why is that so important to mention? I have a bad habit of choosing the same type of man, as I was embracing my loneliness, my girlfriend asked if I was open to dating someone new. “Yes”! I sad Hesitantly and I’m so glad that I did. I also proclaimed to the universe my desire and long for traveling now here I am on my way to Las Vegas!
Thank you Universe for your contribution to my new love and my first trip of 2017
Weird phenomenon, a sign from the gods, or maybe confirmation from the universe? Whatever the case the connection is so real its almost scary. I’m not afraid to love but more afraid of truly opening up just to be let down and hurt again. I knew that there would come a time in my life where my true love would enter and I would have already been damaged by previous relationships. No! I refuse to allow any part of my past to rattle or cause a shake in my future. He is most definitely my future, and I believe in him, as a matter of fact I know hes destined for greatness and so am I.
Its just weird how 2016 course of events led me to be the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. I’m not going to allow the standards of modern day society to define how and who I should love. This is so fresh and new like when you buy a new car the smell just excites you. Yeah! That kind of new…Hes so sincere in every action that my heart is opening whether I want it to or not. Hes not forceful or intruding by any means, allowing me to go at my own pace, as I engage in a friendship/ relationship with him. With each day that turns into night I grow closer to him. Is this a fantasy or illusion of what I want this to be rather than what it actually is? My curious side has convinced me to engage and find out.
Ones action defines his or her own truth. In other words what you do and what you say are totally different. If you say one thing yet do another than what you did is truth and what you said was a lie. This man, future husband, and father of our unborn seed is the Truth, like that one song by India Arie ” The Truth” How could I be so sure? The thing is I’m not sure logically I’m struggling as usual to understand the way he makes me feel. Past hurt has caused me to question my own judgement but still I continue to engage… He treats me differently he treats me like no other man has, and what makes this all so surreal is his actions back up what he says. He sees me, behind my flaws, behind me being human, he sees my heart and most importantly my mind.
*copy& paste link to hear the song: https://youtu.be/0ZwJqaeK9js
True Love takes Sacrifice:
Only the tides from the strongest of storms can compare to how I have learned to over come some of life hardest struggles. Being born without a father, losing my mother at 16, breaking up with my fiance and father of my son after four years, and overcoming all the little battles in between. January 21 of 2017, made one year that I’ve been single and I’m loving it to some degree. It wasn’t my intention to leave my ex, I wanted to build a life with him and our blended family, but you can not force others to take the proper actions in the right direction. No matter how much you think you love them you must know when the time comes to change the circumstances in which your faced with. Understanding that every decision you make will create a course of events to follow ones decision. I knew no matter how much it hurts to leave the person you love, I had to, for my children, for me, and maybe even for him to see that real love takes sacrifice.
Exchange of Power:
2016 Dating scene was one of the worst! I didn’t jump right back out there I took at least 4-6 months to focus on me and the events that were suddenly changing the course of my life. I imagined myself stuck in a unhappy union with a man that didn’t love his-self, so how could I honestly expect him to love me? He tried, I think he had the best intentions, however when you know your worth you will not settle for emotional and physical abuse, or lack of trust and high levels of manipulation. I could no longer see things in a positive light, to continue to force it would have only done us both more harm than good. I used to be in love, but only the idea of what I thought we could have. I realized being truly in love is a feeling shared between both people a balance and exchange of power.
Hurt but Never Broken:
I lost my stability, trying to love a man, me and my kids were living with family for at least three months before I could find a new place. I traveled to 3 cities surrounding the metro area of Minneapolis everyday for 3 months. From St Paul to Minneapolis to drop the kids to daycare then from Minneapolis to Plymouth,to work, and then back again. Talk about crunch time, stress so high that I started to get terrible Migraines frequently, the only good thing I had going was my job and the income from work to help me through the hurt, betrayal, abandonment, and being able to provide for my children. I went into the relationship heart wide open only to leave with my heart cracked, chipped even, but not broken. I will never allow a man to break me.
Hard Work Pays Off:
Fast forward to me and my babies finally getting into our place. Not much, a simple two bedroom apartment, but its ours and I’m proud of it plus the location is awesome! I didn’t have to change my daughter’s school, the daycare is just a mile or so down the road, grocery store next door, car wash, gas station, car shops, dollar store, restaurants, LA fitness down the street, I think you guys get the point, its all about location, location, location! Most days its sending my baby girl off to her second grade class, dropping my son off at daycare, and off to work and back again. Life as a single mom with little to no financial support from dad, can be super time consuming, stressful, and at most lonely even scary at times. All alone in my battles to care for them, keep them fed, happy and healthy, its the hardest job in the world. Would I trade it? Never!
At the end of November I found myself walking into a bar on a week day. I had no business there, but she swore by their chicken wings and I was hungry. I had the best seat in the house as I watched this tall dark handsome fella with glasses cook up the Cajun dry rubbed wings I ordered. Its not like me to go after a guy and technically I didn’t. My girlfriend Jenny got her crazy ass up and told him that, “I wanted him to come over my house and cook them wings for me personally”, and “they were the best I’d ever had”, and that part was true. The Wing man and I hit it off so great in just for 4 weeks I was in a tranquility of love and passion. Erupt!! That was all ruined 2 days after Christmas When his girlfriend texted my phone asking how many times I was fucked by him? We mainly talked and laughed together for 4 weeks it wasn’t about sex but enjoying the feeling from being in one another presence. We only were intimate once and I regret it everyday. I was completely blind sided lied to and played. I literally brought my new year in with a shattered heart… 2016 tried to break me!
Fear Cannot Walk with Change:
One month into the new year, and I’m owning my position in life. Proclaiming to the universe my presence and impact on the world. I have a gut feeling that only helps to confirm that there is something great in the world, waiting for me. I want to help people, change lives, share my story to give people my honest interpretation and experiences in life. I hope that as I share my story and experiences I don’t only want to attract like minds but gain new relationships and connections that can help the course of all of our lives. Words hold wait connecting with others and growing is important when it comes to growth and gaining the real meaning of life. I’m fearless even with my flaws I’m not afraid to fail, feel pain, be alone, fight for what I want, be the odd ball, I’m not afraid to love and be loved.
I met someone and the story is just beginning for us..more to come as I continue to share my course through life…
You cannot have me, you had your fun and now I’m done, you do not deserve me.
You didn’t earn me, you never took the time to learn me, you do not deserve me.
I’m stronger now, stronger than you will ever be, I love even harder now, not for them, not for you, but for me.
Whenever my mind sees the voluptuous shape of your lips I am Tempted, The gentle melody of the deep breaths you take when I softly kiss your neck I am Tempted, when the warmth of your palm caresses my lower back sending chills through my soul causing hairs to rise from my every pore, I am Tempted. The subtleness of your teeth meeting my collar bone send’s a river of emotion through my spine and so, I am Tempted, Each time I experience your beautiful mind, your true desires, and thee eruption of your deepest emotion’s I am Tempted. Tempted that I am to love you everlasting. To learn from you, to grow with you, to express the action that only one word can describe, and that I am tempted to Love You.
I’m so over woman creating monsters of men. Its always this constant finger pointing like the guy is the blame for everything. Whenever the relationship fails it’s him who lacked one quality or another. We all know that’s horse shit! Woman can be very difficult to handle and deal with when it comes to relationships also. No matter what the situation is, a level of maturity must exist in both man and woman or woman and woman or man and man, fuck whatever floats your boat. The point is sometimes we create monsters out of the people we say we love.
Through recent experience I’ve had a peek into the most asked question in relationships, “why men cheat?” My answer is, “Women allow it!” Allowing it doesn’t mean she wants him to do it, in all actuality she wants him to stop or to never have done it at all. She lacks control over her relationship she is now riding on nothing but emotion, that emotional ride is one stop from insanity. To constantly be let down, asking yourself why, and never feeling like your good enough. What type of person would love a cheater, a lying disloyal ass man? “We have history,”.. really? History that is still the same as your current situation. Once a cheater always a cheater, yup live with it. Just to say hes yours, just to have the title of the Main Bitch!… Nonsense
It’s these type of women that perpetuate the “cheater behavior” specifically. He’s given you the title of main chick and you’ve accepted his gift of countless tears and lonely gut wrenching nights. Your scared that you will never find another like him, your insecure, you don’t believe there is a man out here who will love you gently and carefully. So you allow him to cheat,thinking that one day he will change, you think if you just complain less, love him more, that one day he will wise up and see you. No, he will never see you until you leave him! You have to teach him a lesson to make him a better man for the next woman if god chooses to bless him with one. He first made a mistake, but now after countless times that is no longer a mistake but a terrible habit of hurting the person he claims to love. A habit that you allowed him to develop, you set the tone for what you want out of your man first and if or when he shows you other wise, do whats best for you so you don’t lose yourself trying to love someone else.
You suffer as his woman, because you do not have what it takes to let go. Free yourself from emotional abuse, free yourself of a love that once was but is no longer. Loving one another may be until death, but being in love that has been violated and lost at the sea of every tear you’ve cried. You deserve better but its your fault he’s this way. You wont let him grow you stagnate him with you idea of family and happiness. A man should be challenged not allowed to make the same sorry excuses and expect to still reap the benefits of having a loyal woman to come home to. You are setting false expectations, because no real woman will allow countless actions of disloyalty. No real woman will allow the man she loves to treat her like a worthless piece of shit by sticking his peter wacker in whomever he pleases. A real woman loves herself and knows her worth thus demanding her respect as his woman or she’s out!
There’s three sides the the “cheating experience”, you have the cheater, the Main bitch, then the other woman. In many cases the other woman has no idea shes the other woman. This really sucks, because she is genuine in every action she makes, little does she know, shes being played like one of those Irish people instruments. Then you have the Main Chick, who knows her man is a cheater and knows exactly when he starts cheating, because suddenly his behavior changes. She calls or text the other woman to let her presence be known just to sit and let her presence be known again to the next woman he leads on (continuous cycle). Finally, the cheater hes not sure of himself at all, lost not sure if he wants to stick it out in his current relationship or if there is someone better for him, but he wont leave the main chick out of fear of being alone. More importantly he wont leave, because he has a woman who will put up with his shit, he can have his cake and eat it too. He loses the side chick no biggie, his appetite is huge and theirs room for him to gobble up more hearts and spit them out like shattered pieces of glass. Main bitch, its your fault your teaching him that your love for him trumps respect, it trumps loyalty, it trumps divinity, it trumps truth. Love is an action and lying and cheater is the opposite of the act of love. You allow it, you help promote this unhealthy cycle of “cheaterism” thus causing innocent people to be hurt. Sad story for too many relationships left with splintered hearts and torn souls.
People let the biggest blessings pass them up simply, because they didn’t rid themselves of old baggage. Maybe these cheating bastards love their woman and just cant control the urge to fuck around on them. I wanted to love him, until I realized I was the other women and his heart will forever be with you. I’m not that woman anymore, to think I can change or fix a man. He has to want that for himself and will have to show and prove with his actions. You will pacify him and he may never reach his full potential because of your constant neglect to own your thrown as his queen and challenge him! Even if it means you have to let him go real love takes sacrifice.
I’m always getting hurt, what the fuck, is there not one single person on the planet for me? Of the millions and billions of people on the planet the ones that I’ve encountered are never who they claim to be. How is it that I’m attracting these assholes into my life, when I’m the complete opposite of everything they stand for? I am real, honest and genuine in who I say I am. The one thing I cannot do is lie, Its never fair to manipulate and mislead someone. People are hurt constantly because of the lack of maturity in adults. Maturity and responsibility to face the result of the bullshit you stir up in other peoples lives. I’ve been single for almost a year and i swear there isn’t shit out here, Love is lost in 2016 most people don’t even believe in the purity of it.
Love is an action and when it comes to a person actions that’s what determines there love for you. You don’t have to be in love to show someone love. I show love everyday to strangers hobo’s friends family co workers, because of my actions each and every encounter I have I do my best to be genuine and real. Is it really that fucking hard to be a descent human being in the 21st century? I don’t want to be a door matte for people and I also don’t want to be so turned off by life and relationships that I become an introvert,bitter and doesn’t think there is anything good in this world. I know there is something out here for me, a calling of some sort, and if I could just place my finger on it I will open up a whole new world for me. Am I afraid? How could I be when I’m constantly taking chances on people, placing believe, faith, and false senses of reality seeing the picture in an abstract form, just to end up with what I already feel in my gut. I always try to see the good in people giving them the benefit of the doubt. The curiosity in me causes me to look past my gut feeling thus allowing me to see something in people that does not exist. I want so badly to be appreciated loved and cared for in the most Innocent way, and if I know my luck I will have to dig real deep and work hard to get want I deserve. I’ve always had to work harder than most just to obtain the simplest things in life. To really expect for a loyal healthy loving relationship to be easily obtained, clearly I’m fooling myself. To be quite honest I don’t want an easy love but a true one. You cant build a future on ill intentions, lies, and manipulation.
I’m not desperate I just want it to be real when the attraction is mutual. I don’t get off on sex like most people. I have to be mentally stimulated by you in order to feel that type of connection. So its even more special to me if/ or when I decide I want to become physical. The part that sucks is men don’t understand this and this is why in general they deal with a lot of drama from women. Stop being a coward and be honest about your intentions and what your really looking for in a relationship. A lot of times women will respect you more for just being honest; Honesty will always get you further and guarantee for viewer burned bridges. Playing games though that for adolescent mindsets and nothing good ever comes with playing when you dealing with reality. I think so many fucked up thoughts and never act on them, because I understand the power behind my actions. Its so sad that I’m almost 30 yet I see no real growth in my peers and in my relationships with men specifically.
My optimism about life and relationships allowed me to give 3 1/2 years of my life to a man who never trusted me and to this day still wants to guilt me for something i never did. I’m still working through a lot of shit and i just want a real friend. This year is coming to an end causing us all to reflect and this reflection has shown me that the only real friend you have in life is yourself. The fear of being alone causes us to seek out others to experience and obtain things we can give ourselves. Not material things, but the priceless most precious things in life. I’m going to own this new year and I feel every bit of emotion as I proclaim what I want to the universe. I want to be happy, I want to have real true honest relationships in my career, with my family, with my friends, with love, and most importantly I want to find love peace and happiness within myself.
How could you just quit me like that? Like damn you said you wasn’t “that guy.”The opposite of the type that says hes single and text you every morning after every night. The guy that finds the time for you through his unpredictable work schedule. The guy that kisses you so passionately and sweet that it makes your foot pop. That passion that makes a minute feel like an hour.
Could I be the only one feeling some type of way. Us woman want to master the art of intimacy but lack the emotional control once we’ve experienced that emotion. I’m trying to make sense of why my heart feels crushed. Like damn was it something I did wrong? Ladies stop blaming yourself when the guy switches up on you. Maybe its not you its him, maybe your just too great and he not self loving to see that he deserves you just as much as you deserve him. I thought you said you liked me, you said you didn’t want to be that guy.
The third time we hung out shame on us for moving forward, I see the uniqueness in your eyes and I made a mistake thinking you were different. What are you afraid of? Can you not see greatness when its reaching for you. Do you not want happiness?
I get it now your already happy, with her, with your family, and i know your daughter is a big part of why you stay. The truth is I was just a fling to you, just a course of events that transpired to help you pass the time. I’m more than that you know, I am unique in every way possible. There is beauty residing in every flaw that I have. I don’t want to wreck you the way you wrecked me, as if u actually have the power to do so. Your happy already with her and I’m just the fool that didn’t pay attention to the signs. I’m the fool to see past your lies into the core of you heart, mind, and deepest desires. Does loving someone equal your happiness or your success in life? Be mindful that good things don’t just fall in your lap everyday so if you do have something good try cherishing it. Work on your relationship and most importantly yourself. The next woman you manboozle may not be so nice.
With everyday that passes I’m learning to accept the past events and see them as a learning lesson. Not only have I learned that most men are liars and cheaters no matter the charm and no matter the so called intention, your actions will always define who you are. I’m stronger now and have rolled up my heart from my sleeves learning to cherish the love I have to give. I’m holding my heart so dear to me because its to valuable to be broken.