Harsh Reality

I’m alone in my suffering I’m alone in my pain, it’s a sad day when u realize their all the same.

No Push Over

Have you ever stood up for yourself, then the person flipped the situation, and you found yourself apologizing? Have you found yourself feeling guilty for demanding your respect from an individual while they play the “victim” card? Do you find yourself second guessing your decisions, because your worried about criticism from a specific person? Are you always giving, time, money, energy, advice, whatever, only to receive the opposite of what you put out?

You may be dealing with a user/ manipulator. If your not sure put them to the test by being more aware of there daily interaction with you. Pay more attention to body language and actions rather than what they say. These people are usually very charming and can talk their way out of almost anything. Beware of the person who doesn’t mind effecting your world in a negative way, only to gain in their life from using up your resources. Your energy and time is precious, once given you cannot get it back, so its very important to know those that truly have your best interest at heart and are genuine the love will naturally be reciprocated.

People just want to storm into your life place there problems and burdens on you, and somehow your all alone in your own endeavors? This is called being used! People love your good qualities, because they see how they can benefit from them. They never think about how there presence is effecting you, hell they don’t even care, its a one way view for people like this. Users, emotional and financial abusers, these people use manipulation as a paint brush to smear their garbage all over your life, and your left alone to pick up their shit and your own! They make you feel stupid for thinking for yourself by undermining and belittling you. They seem like they have the best intentions for you at first, by seeming helpful and interested in your goals. Its all so that you can open up, so they can find a soft spot in your heart for them to play on. Do not be fooled by this type of person and their tactics to suck the life out of you. Is it intentional or a subtle trait that some use to their advantage?

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Conclusion: Do not think because it’s your family, friend from high, or even your partner/spouse that they will not try to use manipulation to get their way. Even children use manipulation on an subconscious level to get their way in. You are not to be taken advantage of or have your kindness taken for weakness. Do not be afraid to call a person on their bluff! They may not like that your calling them out on the BS, however they will respect you. No push over resides here!

 

 

Change is Inevitable

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True Love takes Sacrifice: 

Only the tides from the strongest of storms can compare to how I have learned to over come some of life hardest struggles. Being born without a father, losing my mother at 16, breaking up with my fiance and father of my son after four years, and overcoming all the little battles in between. January 21 of 2017, made one year that I’ve been single and I’m loving it to some degree. It wasn’t my intention to leave my ex, I wanted to build a life with him and our blended family, but you can not force others to take the proper actions in the right direction. No matter how much you think you love them you must know when the time comes to change the circumstances in which your faced with. Understanding that every decision you make will create a course of events to follow ones decision. I knew no matter how much it hurts to leave the person you love, I had to, for my children, for me, and maybe even for him to see that real love takes sacrifice.

Exchange of Power:

2016 Dating scene was one of the worst! I didn’t jump right back out there I took at least 4-6 months to focus on me and the events that were suddenly changing the course of my life. I imagined myself stuck in a unhappy union with a man that didn’t love his-self, so how could I honestly expect him to love me? He tried, I think he had the best intentions, however when you know your worth you will not settle for emotional and physical abuse, or lack of trust and high levels of manipulation. I could no longer see things in a positive light, to continue to force it would have only done us both more harm than good. I used to be in love, but only the idea of what I thought we could have. I realized being truly in love is a feeling shared between both people a balance and exchange of power.

Hurt but Never Broken:

I lost my stability, trying to love a man, me and my kids were living with family for at least three months before I could find a new place. I traveled to 3 cities surrounding the metro area of Minneapolis everyday for 3 months. From St Paul to Minneapolis to drop the kids to daycare then from Minneapolis to Plymouth,to work, and then back again. Talk about crunch time, stress so high that I started to get terrible Migraines frequently, the only good thing I had going was my job and the income from work to help me through the hurt, betrayal, abandonment, and being able to provide for my children. I went into the relationship heart wide open only to leave with my heart cracked, chipped even, but not broken. I will never allow a man to break me.

Hard Work Pays Off:

Fast forward to me and my babies finally getting into our place. Not much, a simple two bedroom apartment, but its ours and I’m proud of it plus the location is awesome! I didn’t have to change my daughter’s school, the daycare is just a mile or so down the road, grocery store next door, car wash, gas station, car shops, dollar store, restaurants, LA fitness down the street, I think you guys get the point, its all about location, location, location! Most days its sending my baby girl off to her second grade class, dropping my son off at daycare, and off to work and back again. Life as a single mom with little to no financial support from dad, can be super time consuming, stressful, and at most lonely even scary at times. All alone in my battles to care for them, keep them fed, happy and healthy, its the hardest job in the world. Would I trade it? Never!

Bamboozled:

At the end of November I found myself walking into a bar on a week day. I had no business there, but she swore by their chicken wings and I was hungry. I had the best seat in the house as I watched this tall dark handsome fella with glasses cook up the Cajun dry rubbed wings I ordered. Its not like me to go after a guy and technically I didn’t. My girlfriend Jenny got her crazy ass up and told him that, “I wanted him to come over my house and cook them wings for me personally”, and “they were the best I’d ever had”, and that part was true. The Wing man and I hit it off so great in just for 4 weeks I was in a tranquility of love and passion. Erupt!! That was all ruined 2 days after Christmas When his girlfriend texted my phone asking how many times I was fucked by him?  We mainly talked and laughed together for 4 weeks it wasn’t about sex but enjoying the feeling from being in one another presence. We only were intimate once and I regret it everyday. I was completely blind sided lied to and played. I literally brought my new year in with a shattered heart… 2016 tried to break me!

Fear Cannot Walk with Change:

One month into the new year, and I’m  owning my position in life. Proclaiming to the universe my presence and impact on the world. I have a gut feeling that only helps to confirm that there is something great in the world, waiting for me. I want to help people, change lives, share my story to give people my honest interpretation and experiences in life. I hope that as I share my story and experiences I don’t only want to attract like minds but gain new relationships and connections that can help the course of all of our lives. Words hold wait connecting with others and growing is important when it comes to growth and gaining the real meaning of life. I’m fearless even with my flaws I’m not afraid to fail, feel pain, be alone, fight for what I want, be the odd ball, I’m not afraid to love and be loved.

The Flash 

I met someone and the story is just beginning for us..more to come as I continue to share my course through life…

 

 

 

Shade

I’m nice not stupid. I support people but I wont be kissing any asses. I’m open minded, but also very passionate about what I believe. I bend over backwards for those I love and will punch you in the face when pushed to the limit. Instead of throwing shade I treat people with kindness and respect, that doesn’t make me a push over. I will never allow someone to step on what matters most to me, you don’t have to like me hell you don’t even have to love me, but you will respect me.

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Fuck boy

Too many ladies have suffered from the fuck boy experience. The fuck boy comes in different, shapes, forms, and fashions, but the behavior is what really owns them the title of being a Fuck Boy. I mean how did the term ever start trending? It’s not an enduring term if you’ve ever earned this title or “maybe you were born with it” in my “Maybe its Maybelline”voice …The point is what is glorifying about being a fucking womanizer? Just walking around scorning women for fun that’s cute?? Now I know there’s always more to it but lets hit this on the head in a general sense with the commonality of the personality and  behavioral  traits of the “Fuck Boy”.

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Hes magnetizing, charismatic, charming, eloquent, funny, usually good looking, seems to know what he wants out of life, polite, dreamy, and shows king interest in you. On the flip side the fuck boy is self centered, arrogant and egotistical. He seems like he has the best intentions for you, hes a liar, he wants his ego to be constantly  stroked to feel relevant, hes underdeveloped emotionally, most importantly hes a player. The fuck boy term is just a new way of calling a guy a “player.” Once a player always a player! He plays on women to get mainly sex and to feel important by more than one woman. When one woman isn’t giving him what he wants he jumps to the next woman that will comfort him, and make him feel like hes less alone.  He doesn’t want to settle down (fearful that one day he may be played), although he may preach this as a goal, its just to convince you that hes a descent man that you may consider fucking one day. He does not want a long term commitment and lacks the maturity to express this and all of its truth.

If your a teenager in high school then absolutely I would expect for you to have immature and inconsistency in your behavior simply because of your lack of experience. I would expect for you to have a vast appetite because your just getting your mouth wet for girls and dating. This behavior is expected in teenagers and young adults, however as you grow so should your level of maturity, responsibility, and accountability. FUCK BOY do you understand how so many men have had their penises amputated, because of misleading a woman? It’s too bad that a committed union and  marriage is frowned upon by the newer generation. Meeting someone, falling in love, and building your life together is less of a goal, fuck boys just want to fornicate without any consequence.

Back to the fuck boy ailment and chronic nature, clearly I’m struggling to understand why men specifically cannot just be upfront about what they want out of a relationship? Granted, not every person you meet are you going to fall in love with, however you may like them enough to want to get involved, network, date, add a new friend to your Facebook page, whatever the acquaintance, honesty should always be promoted in adults. Even women who are married understand and know at some point there husband has lied about one thing or another. Which brings me to my point, I could understand a husband lying because he doesn’t want to hurt his wife and has something to lose if he fails or disappoints her. In dating lying because you don’t want to hurt them is not usually the case, for example If your new to my life I wouldn’t feel the need to lie. I would jump to the opportunity to be real with someone who I don’t necessarily  care for, because what you think about me, would be irrelevant to some degree. one fact I know about lying is once you tell one you will have to tell another to cover up for the original lie, and the cycle continues.

To mislead and deceive is already fucked up enough! Then the fuck boy does this to multiple women at a time or even just one woman, as she invest her time with you taking all that you say and do in sincerity, the whole time your just playing her, like your a drooling toddler and shes your rattle to shake up and throw down once you become bored. This shows that age does not define ones level of maturity or morality. The fuck boy is fake as fuck, a filthy lair, like the dirt on the bottom of my shoe “nasty”, he’s fucking aqua scum. My best advice for you fuck boy is to grow the fuck up and go fuck yourself!!!

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Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

I thought I understood what you meant when you would say you were tired. I tried to understand, but I was just a girl Ma.  Your first born, your daughter, the one you called a cry baby at birth, you couldn’t turn your back without hearing my mouth, you said you would even play music to try and soothe me. I loved it when you would tell me stories about the fun wild things you would do as a child, the adventures you and my uncle John would take over train tracks in Gary, Indiana. Those crazy ass whooping’s granddaddy would give you when you used to sneak out the window, to go to the skating rink. I have a vivid memory of the details about your life, and the life we shared together. I was always sharp witted, I definitely inherited  that from you. I mean its crazy how long its been since we last spoke, hugged or even said ” I love you”. Twelve hard years without your love and support. It’s weird, because you see stuff in movies and you hear about the terrible things that happen in other people lives yet you never think it could happen to you, until it actually happens to you.To experience the loss of your mother is an emotion without description.

I’m a woman now, I have two kids, and I’m a dedicated mother just like you were. I now get a glimpse of the sacrifices you made in order for us to see a meal on the table, and clothes on our backs. I’m so proud of you Mom, and amazed at your strength, you keep me going when I’m drained from taking on life alone. I say I’m alone, because the unconditional love that only a mother can give her daughter I lost the fall after my 16th birthday. Sweet sixteen, yet there was nothing sweet about the events that transpired thus after. If I would have new then what I would soon come to find out, maybe the last words I heard from you wouldn’t pierce my heart to this day. I tried to get home that night and it must have been some sort of unknown force working against me. I’m glad that we got to hang out a couple days before it all went down though. We went to see some scary movie that I cant think of the name, but would recognize the movie if I saw it. We were like friends and I know that I was “my mothers keeper.” I always tried to please you and help make your job as a mom easier in whatever way a kid new how. The burden of watching your everyday struggle and not having the power to change it, has left a hollow piece in my heart. They say prayer helps, I prayed everyday for you to get a second chance, still you struggled.

For some reason the summer of my sixteenth birthday I just didn’t sit still, you didn’t fuss. Maybe you felt guilty about me never having a normal childhood, maybe I took advantage, or maybe it was a bit of both. I was independent had me a little job and everything, saw some weird stuff too, that summer. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. I wanted to do everything myself so you didn’t have to feel guilty for not being able to afford all the things that a 16 year old girl wanted. I even offered to pay the light bill whatever I could do to make it so you didn’t have to worry. Sometimes I fantasize about what life would be like if you didn’t leave us that day. Even writing this letter seems a bit cliche, but I don’t care I have to talk to you, even though I know I will never receive a response.

Anyways, Dad kept his word and did his best to keep all you children together after you went away. We all have found our own way of living in your absence. We didn’t get grievance counseling I guess that’s for white people huh. lol I wish my brothers would have gotten some counseling since they both were there to see you fall, I sometimes wonder why I wasn’t there, and if I had been, would I have lost my mind too? The boys have struggled much more than us girls and I know its, because they did not have each other to lean on. Shortly after you passed away my baby brother was taken away too. I lost not only you but the very baby that contributed to your illness in the first place. Grudges hinder the heart but some actions can never be forgiven.  Its not your fault Momma you did the best you could. I’m hear to tell your story and everyday that passes someone hears about you, someone is reminded of your smile when I smile, heck sometimes I even see you in me and in my sisters. When my sister sings I hear your voice, when my other sister draws I can see the the beautiful dolphins you used to draw, even when I play music that you used to love I can sometimes feel your energy and tears uncontrollably run down my cheek. Your life will not be for nothing, every time I think of giving up I remember how you never did.

love is infinite,

your oldest

 

Copyright 2017 Z.Harps

J.S

How could you just quit me like that? Like damn you said you wasn’t “that guy.”The opposite of the type that says hes single and text you every morning after every night. The guy that finds the time for you through his unpredictable work schedule. The guy that kisses you so passionately and sweet that it makes your foot pop. That passion that makes a minute feel like an hour.

Could I be the only one feeling some type of way. Us woman want to master the art of intimacy but lack the emotional control once we’ve experienced that emotion. I’m trying to make sense of why my heart feels crushed. Like damn was it something I did wrong? Ladies stop blaming yourself when the guy switches up on you. Maybe its not you its him, maybe your just too great and he not self loving to see that he deserves you just as much as you deserve him. I thought you said you liked me, you said you didn’t want to be that guy.

The third time we hung out shame on us for moving forward, I see the uniqueness in your eyes and I made a mistake thinking you were different. What are you afraid of? Can you not see greatness when its reaching for you. Do you not want happiness?

I get it now your already happy, with her, with your family, and i know your daughter is a big part of why you stay. The truth is I was just a fling to you, just a course of events that transpired to help you pass the time. I’m more than that you know, I am unique in every way possible. There is beauty residing in every flaw that I have.  I don’t want to wreck you the way you wrecked me, as if u actually have the power to do so. Your happy already with her and I’m just the fool that didn’t pay attention to the signs. I’m the fool to see past your lies into the core of you heart, mind, and deepest desires. Does loving someone equal your happiness or your success in life? Be mindful that good things don’t just fall in your lap everyday so if you do have something good try cherishing it. Work on your relationship and most importantly yourself. The next woman you manboozle may not be so nice.

With everyday that passes I’m learning to accept the past events and see them as a learning lesson. Not only have I learned that most men are liars and cheaters no matter the charm and no matter the so called intention, your actions will always define who you are. I’m stronger now and have rolled up my heart from my sleeves learning to cherish the love I have to give. I’m holding my heart so dear to me because its to valuable to be broken.