Poetry is what makes a pen cry….
Nobody ever listens to you, when you are crying out. They pretend to listen, but as soon as you turn to walk away they forget that you are suffering, they forget that you asked for help, without directly asking for help. I remember my mothers words as a young girl, “don’t let people take your kindness for weakness”. Was this a warning, that she could foresee, that I would be a doormat for people to trample over? Did she make that same mistake in her short lived life?
I’m sending a warning to myself for the future. lol I cant advise others on how to live or what to do when I have yet to master my full potential. I share my thoughts, opinions, and even ramble a little. At least I’m honest and unafraid to speak my mind. I’m honest enough to say that love weakens me, because I want it so bad. Whenever it seems or feels familiar I run at it with full speed. Everybody knows what happens when you speed, you lose sight of things. Your going so fast that you don’t see the details or the warning signs that tell you your going the wrong way. Your moving so fast that you may even pass by your actual destination, finding yourself back tracking, starting over, and trying to find your way again.
Is it fear that explains why I allow people to hurt me? Am I afraid that I will never find true love? It seems far fetched, unrealistic, and somewhat like a fantasy, but not impossible. So I have hope! I don’t ask for a lot, but trust, honesty, communication, and thoughtfulness. Is this too much to ask? Yeah maybe if a person isn’t in a relationship for love. Love isn’t hard, people make it hard with their carelessness with having someone else’s heart in their hands. Love is a universal language that all can understand and relate to. I’m not saying I have all the answers, because clearly I don’t. What I do know is love feels good and sometimes it feels bad, but the foundation should always stay the same. Love is like building a house. You start off slow and steady, aligning each brick neatly, layering concrete to make sure your foundation holds together. As you build, your house grows, and your able to see clearly threw the windows. You continue to build, soon to reach the top of your home, where you will layer your roof, to protect your home from stormy days.
This metaphor is a little shaky, but not as shaky as your relationship will be if you don’t take the necessary time needed to build a solid foundation. My advise for whoever reading this, let time slow down when you find love. Take all the time you need to build, have fun during this phase, make a few mistakes to test the durability of your relationship. Also allow yourself to keep pushing through the sweat and tears so you can see clearly through the windows of your mates soul. To me its about having a mutual understanding, an unspoken language, and really being in tuned with your partner. Love is a selfless act, one that requires much sacrifice, for you two to benefit together. Build your house of love with precision, this way your love (house) doesn’t easily grumbled whenever life (storms) happens.
I spend most of my days fighting back the tears, feeling stuck like a dear in head lights. That familiar feeling of pain that eats at your every vain, like poison entering your soul, on a sentence to death row, because love only kills me. It never heals me although I wish it would, or if it even could, just be true. For every beat of my heart that is broken I can feel the tight knot in my throat fighting back my tears, Tears of frustration and feeling like a victim of manipulation. It saddens me even more knowing I was stupid enough to let go, a love so innocent and beautiful, like the white of snow. Now, my heart is like Frankenstein all ugly and put back together, when people think that I’m sorry will fix it. I’m sorry, save it, you’ve said it so much, I’m starting to hate it, I’m starting to hate you, and all that you put me through, and so I spend most of my days fighting back the tears. Tonight I will let them flow, down my cheek and on to my pillow…
I’m alone in my suffering I’m alone in my pain, it’s a sad day when u realize their all the same.
Have you ever stood up for yourself, then the person flipped the situation, and you found yourself apologizing? Have you found yourself feeling guilty for demanding your respect from an individual while they play the “victim” card? Do you find yourself second guessing your decisions, because your worried about criticism from a specific person? Are you always giving, time, money, energy, advice, whatever, only to receive the opposite of what you put out?
You may be dealing with a user/ manipulator. If your not sure put them to the test by being more aware of there daily interaction with you. Pay more attention to body language and actions rather than what they say. These people are usually very charming and can talk their way out of almost anything. Beware of the person who doesn’t mind effecting your world in a negative way, only to gain in their life from using up your resources. Your energy and time is precious, once given you cannot get it back, so its very important to know those that truly have your best interest at heart and are genuine the love will naturally be reciprocated.
People just want to storm into your life place there problems and burdens on you, and somehow your all alone in your own endeavors? This is called being used! People love your good qualities, because they see how they can benefit from them. They never think about how there presence is effecting you, hell they don’t even care, its a one way view for people like this. Users, emotional and financial abusers, these people use manipulation as a paint brush to smear their garbage all over your life, and your left alone to pick up their shit and your own! They make you feel stupid for thinking for yourself by undermining and belittling you. They seem like they have the best intentions for you at first, by seeming helpful and interested in your goals. Its all so that you can open up, so they can find a soft spot in your heart for them to play on. Do not be fooled by this type of person and their tactics to suck the life out of you. Is it intentional or a subtle trait that some use to their advantage?
Conclusion: Do not think because it’s your family, friend from high, or even your partner/spouse that they will not try to use manipulation to get their way. Even children use manipulation on an subconscious level to get their way in. You are not to be taken advantage of or have your kindness taken for weakness. Do not be afraid to call a person on their bluff! They may not like that your calling them out on the BS, however they will respect you. No push over resides here!
True Love takes Sacrifice:
Only the tides from the strongest of storms can compare to how I have learned to over come some of life hardest struggles. Being born without a father, losing my mother at 16, breaking up with my fiance and father of my son after four years, and overcoming all the little battles in between. January 21 of 2017, made one year that I’ve been single and I’m loving it to some degree. It wasn’t my intention to leave my ex, I wanted to build a life with him and our blended family, but you can not force others to take the proper actions in the right direction. No matter how much you think you love them you must know when the time comes to change the circumstances in which your faced with. Understanding that every decision you make will create a course of events to follow ones decision. I knew no matter how much it hurts to leave the person you love, I had to, for my children, for me, and maybe even for him to see that real love takes sacrifice.
Exchange of Power:
2016 Dating scene was one of the worst! I didn’t jump right back out there I took at least 4-6 months to focus on me and the events that were suddenly changing the course of my life. I imagined myself stuck in a unhappy union with a man that didn’t love his-self, so how could I honestly expect him to love me? He tried, I think he had the best intentions, however when you know your worth you will not settle for emotional and physical abuse, or lack of trust and high levels of manipulation. I could no longer see things in a positive light, to continue to force it would have only done us both more harm than good. I used to be in love, but only the idea of what I thought we could have. I realized being truly in love is a feeling shared between both people a balance and exchange of power.
Hurt but Never Broken:
I lost my stability, trying to love a man, me and my kids were living with family for at least three months before I could find a new place. I traveled to 3 cities surrounding the metro area of Minneapolis everyday for 3 months. From St Paul to Minneapolis to drop the kids to daycare then from Minneapolis to Plymouth,to work, and then back again. Talk about crunch time, stress so high that I started to get terrible Migraines frequently, the only good thing I had going was my job and the income from work to help me through the hurt, betrayal, abandonment, and being able to provide for my children. I went into the relationship heart wide open only to leave with my heart cracked, chipped even, but not broken. I will never allow a man to break me.
Hard Work Pays Off:
Fast forward to me and my babies finally getting into our place. Not much, a simple two bedroom apartment, but its ours and I’m proud of it plus the location is awesome! I didn’t have to change my daughter’s school, the daycare is just a mile or so down the road, grocery store next door, car wash, gas station, car shops, dollar store, restaurants, LA fitness down the street, I think you guys get the point, its all about location, location, location! Most days its sending my baby girl off to her second grade class, dropping my son off at daycare, and off to work and back again. Life as a single mom with little to no financial support from dad, can be super time consuming, stressful, and at most lonely even scary at times. All alone in my battles to care for them, keep them fed, happy and healthy, its the hardest job in the world. Would I trade it? Never!
At the end of November I found myself walking into a bar on a week day. I had no business there, but she swore by their chicken wings and I was hungry. I had the best seat in the house as I watched this tall dark handsome fella with glasses cook up the Cajun dry rubbed wings I ordered. Its not like me to go after a guy and technically I didn’t. My girlfriend Jenny got her crazy ass up and told him that, “I wanted him to come over my house and cook them wings for me personally”, and “they were the best I’d ever had”, and that part was true. The Wing man and I hit it off so great in just for 4 weeks I was in a tranquility of love and passion. Erupt!! That was all ruined 2 days after Christmas When his girlfriend texted my phone asking how many times I was fucked by him? We mainly talked and laughed together for 4 weeks it wasn’t about sex but enjoying the feeling from being in one another presence. We only were intimate once and I regret it everyday. I was completely blind sided lied to and played. I literally brought my new year in with a shattered heart… 2016 tried to break me!
Fear Cannot Walk with Change:
One month into the new year, and I’m owning my position in life. Proclaiming to the universe my presence and impact on the world. I have a gut feeling that only helps to confirm that there is something great in the world, waiting for me. I want to help people, change lives, share my story to give people my honest interpretation and experiences in life. I hope that as I share my story and experiences I don’t only want to attract like minds but gain new relationships and connections that can help the course of all of our lives. Words hold wait connecting with others and growing is important when it comes to growth and gaining the real meaning of life. I’m fearless even with my flaws I’m not afraid to fail, feel pain, be alone, fight for what I want, be the odd ball, I’m not afraid to love and be loved.
I met someone and the story is just beginning for us..more to come as I continue to share my course through life…
I’m nice not stupid. I support people but I wont be kissing any asses. I’m open minded, but also very passionate about what I believe. I bend over backwards for those I love and will punch you in the face when pushed to the limit. Instead of throwing shade I treat people with kindness and respect, that doesn’t make me a push over. I will never allow someone to step on what matters most to me, you don’t have to like me hell you don’t even have to love me, but you will respect me.