Decisions Decisions

The way my life is set up right now I barely have time to write, however, there’s always time to think. I spend a lot of time thinking about my current circumstances and how my actions have and will continue to pave my future. My step dad used to talk about “decisions decisions decisions,” because the decisions we make directly affect our futures. The sad part, not only do these decisions affect us as individuals but it will certainly affect those that are close to us.

I say this because recently I’ve been faced with having to make some real hard decisions. Things that involve family values, finances, relationships, children, and the hardest of all sacrifice. I’m a year from thirty and I feel like the first time in a very long time I know what I don’t want. I’m still working on what I do want but I know I want love peace and most of all happiness. Not only for myself but my children and those that are close to me. Sometimes those that are close to you can affect your life not always in the most positive ways and I can’t allow others circumstances affect me and my children. This has helped enlighten the fact that it’s not all about me but has everything to do with me.

mommy and zz

This is where the sacrifice must be made. I either let go of what was and focus on what is to come or rid myself of the uncertain and build on what I know to be solid. I like taking the risk because the curiousness that lies within me brings forth excitement. This excitement can lead to me learning new and exciting things and helping me truly come to terms with what I really want out of my life,  rephrase I know what I want I just don’t know exactly how to get there. I’m the queen of going with the flow.

This may not be whats best for my children, the need to be solid and routine is always important. I must put my want to explore and take chances on hold while I build A solid foundation for them. This brings me back to the people in our lives and how it affects how we approach life. Have you ever been on the right course and then you let an old friend back into your life or meet someone new and everything starts to change for the worst? Maybe their reality is projecting on yours. This example can happen in the opposite effect as well. People should compliment your life not disrupt it. We should be mindful of the people around us and how their feeling and thoughts, directly and indirectly, affect us.

I have a heart of gold *my opinion lol*  It’s hard to digest that not everyone values that. They certainly want to benefit from your good qualities but don’t want to possess those same qualities themselves. I feel as if I’m reaching a new point of understanding and I don’t have time to teach capable and able adults instead I have to be better for my babies, the universe knows my heart, and I ask God to help me and continue me on the right path to true success and happiness.


“I can show you but I cant make you see, in order to see you have to be willing to open your eyes.”

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Listening: Wind&Trees

Last night I fought my anxiety by redirecting my energy and forcing myself to find something to offer me peace. *I’m so proud of myself* After a long and frustrating day, I managed not yell or take my frustrations out on the stranger in the car in front of me. I simply took a deep breath and the kids and I made our way through the door of our apartment. I showered while the pizza cooked in the oven and the kids were watching cartoons *PBS kids* Finally I finished showering, feeling refreshed but drained. Then it was the kids turn to wash their little booties, meanwhile the pizza cooled. We ate, and one by one they fell asleep.

I was exhausted myself, but was having trouble getting to sleep. Its hard to fall asleep with a broken heart, but then again that’s all you want to do, so you don’t have to feel that aching feeling of rejection and despair. As my face hits the pillow a lay alone in a bed that was once filled with two warm bodies cozy together. Now its just me alone laying there instantly I go into my thoughts. This can go on for what feels like hours, constantly analyzing what I did wrong. Or was it even me at all? I think to myself, I have to hold some responsibility for my broken heart even though I still don’t understand whats so hard about loving a person you say you really love? *I guess that’s a question I should ask him*

*Anyways* I didn’t want to cry last night, so I thought about the nap I took in my car earlier that day, during my lunch break at work. It was about a 25 minute power nap and on my way to sleep I could hear the trees singing. It was like a lullaby from mother nature to my the broken soul. *my kids are my light and joy, everything else sucks right now* I listened to each leaf sing a tune and it eased me right to sleep.

My irritation starts as my head rest on the pillow and I quickly remembered the trees and the beautiful tune each leaf sang. I went to my smart phone and typed in YouTube “listen to the trees”…I don’t remember much else from last night, because I fell right to sleep. Maybe this can help someone else, a person who over thinks during bed time or maybe it can help ease unpleasant feelings of Anxiety and stress. *whatever the reason…Enjoy!*