It’s Not About Sex

People hear the word intimacy and the first thought is sex, not for me so much. I long for a deeper level of intimacy that can only come from the opposite of lust and sexual satisfaction. I once watched a segment on TV about a guy in New York who is a professional cuddler named, Kan Seidel’s, he understands the benefit of getting close without sex. It sounds extremely weird to think you can feel a reward from cuddling with a complete stranger. It’s because its not about your desire to be with them sexually, its about the person on the receiving end of the interaction itself. The one that is seeking out the affection, feeling of being cared about, and the feeling you get from being touched by another human being. This is so important for us as humans to thrive in the world and feel compassion for one another

The feeling of a warm palmed hand caressing your lower back, the sound of someones soft breathing whistling  in you ear, the feeling of someones fingers messaging your scalp, or even the candor of a tight hug, are all experiences of intimacy, helping bring about a feeling of pleasure, joy, and acceptance. It’s important for Kan to be open and welcoming, allowing himself to be vulnerable enough to make the person on the receiving end feel comfortable. The openness between both people helps to build a level of trust, and the experience could possibly bring about a king relationships between him and his customers. This can be a level of therapy for some and maybe just a new experience for others. Feeling  this kind of intimacy in a professional setting can also be beneficial as it relates to fighting temptation and learning self control. As your body feels the pleasure of each gesture your cuddler makes it, sending signals to the brain thus causing your brain to produce, what some describe as Happy Chemicals, Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphin’s, the emotions can  strike about a persons urge to take it to the next level. Keeping the moment sacred, meaningful, and innocent is a gift. With closer acquaintances this experience can only be successful in the matter of self control.

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How does this guy, Kan offering an out of the box experience pertain to me? I seek out not only physical intimacy but also mental intimacy. Our thoughts, fears, insecurities, dreams, admiration, goals, experiences, beliefs, and motivations, are all so very dear to us. Longing to be understood in a world that can often times make you feel alone. Connecting and building is crucial in ones growth and development, the true and purest way is connecting through the mind. To allow yourself to open up and trust a person to not judge you, for someone to listen to your thoughts and deepest emotions is also level a of intimacy . I’ve found myself having intimate moments with a complete stranger. For some odd reason here I am, in a small cafe talking about life, listening to someone else’s interpretation, simply taking the time to share a story with a stranger is  nothing shy of intimacy. Taking something with you from the whole experiences is the point. I’m leaving you all with this, dig deeper past the surface to truly make long lasting connections and experience with those around you. Remember its not all about sex!


Music is a universal language! The different vibrations  coming together to form a melody that can lift a person out of the pitt of emotional turmoil. It has the power to sooth a crying baby and uplift your spirit for heavens sake. It gives you the ability to travel through time by hearing sound waves that are familiar to you, sparking a memory that you thought was lost. You can even feel past emotion just from hearing an old song that you once loved.  When you here music you actually listen to make a connection, something moves inside of you allowing you to see pass race, gender, and class. It’s innocent and you get so excited you want to hear the melody again, heck you even want to share that feeling with a friend.


They say you can learn a lot, just from hearing a person’s choice of music. Listen to the vibrations we all give off and cling to those that sound familiar to you, be called to the sounds that are not and be open minded to fall in love with the melody of change and growth.  Lets close our eyes and listen to one another, minus judgment and bias preconceptions.

Keep the Real in Reality.

Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. this generation doesn’t even believe in love. All people want to do is look cool and say cool shit but actions are all fucked up. I sit back in watch all the bullshit in the past year and its really annoying, from the music top chart bull to the so called reality tv love and hip hop its all meant to taint the divinity of love, loyalty and most importantly reality. Cant you see that daytime tv is destroying your relationship? Cant you see that watching that poison causes you to feel inadequate in your own life? I really believe that the media from Facebook, Twitter, even Instagram, all promote false reality and constant validation from others.

We all look to relate whether we do it intentionally or not, were looking for connections. If all you see is cheaters on tv your going to think of the times you were cheated on and lied to, which can resurface negative feelings toward the wrong person or people. It can taint your judgement if your not careful this can alter how you see people in a general sense. I know how I’ve felt after watching love and hip hop, I feel like all men are dogs, there egotistical horny, little liars without heart or feeling besides selfishness and desiring to have multiple women to string along to make themselves feel relevant after their careers flopped.

My reason for writing all of this is because of the superficial expectations of relationships nowadays.Like that one George Orwell book, “1984.” Whats real is actually fake and whats fake like Kim Kardashians booty is hawked upon like it’s a got damn shrine or something. Now woman everywhere want a big fake ass booty and that’s sexy? The women with natural figures flat asses or fat asses feel like there nothing without that good ol chin lift, or tummy tuck, or breast implant, weaves, and all the other things that remind you that your not good enough.

The biggest benefit to not wearing your heart on your sleeves is that you allow yourself time to analyze the situation for what its worth. Hell I could go on and on about various topics and never get to the point. I have a knack for doing that so to my readers thanks for sticking it out with me to get to the best part. We live in a time where the “media” plays a very important part in how we all interact with one another everyday. The repetitive content of negative thinking and behaviors can start to rub off on us without you even realizing it. Do not allow what you see and read on social media define the reality of your life or any situation. I cant stress enough the importance of remaining a free thinker in a world full of followers. Its so important to keep the REAL IN REALITY!

copyright Z.Harps

The Struggle Is Real

Struggle has always been apart of my life. Ever since I was a little girl hard times have never been foreign to me. I sometimes sit back and ask why me? Why did I have a father who wanted my mother to abort me? Why did I have to lose my mother 3 months after my sweet sixteenth birthday? What is the reason I’m giving the title to be the ROCK of my family. Sure I’m the oldest of five and we all grew up on the east side of Detroit, MI. Yes, my mother was apart of the many statistics in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Single mother on welfare. I was raised by a strong black woman that no matter the struggle her heart was huge. We always had what we needed, and when things got rough we all laughed through our pain.

I would sometimes hear my mother weep in the late hours of the night. Sometimes she would be so frustrated at her position in life she would throw things and just break down crying and yelling. Then she would clean up the mess she made, apologize to her children talk to us about life, lace up her boots, and do it all over again. This woman my mother is an example of strength,never giving up, and fighting until your very last breath. The obstacles me and my family have endured over the years can swell a tear in the toughest person eyes. I know that life has obstacles, but it shouldn’t have to be so hard.

They say “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” On the contrary if it doesn’t kill you it certainly can alter the way you see people and how you view life. Life wouldn’t be worth living without ups and downs ,but sometimes I feel like I’m in a revolving door of the downs and never really coming out. It’s like I’m drowning only coming up for air just enough to stay alive. That’s not living that’s surviving. Many work forty hours a week, one hundred sixty hours a month,and one thousand nine hundred and twenty hours a year just to make ends meat. Life shouldn’t have to be so hard!

In no way am I complaining. I’ve had to over come life struggles since before mother went back to the essence. To watch your only parent suffer just to care for you, your siblings, with a terminal illness, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the circumstances; I felt absolutely powerless! As I write I realize I’m only giving my audience a glimpse into my reality but I hope that some can relate and understand my pain. I know that everyone has a story and some have overcome obstacles far greater than mine. Should that make my story less credible? I’ve thought for years that there are people that are worse off than me, so I should suck it up, and do what I have to do. Now I see that was never fair to me, I matter my struggle matters, and I’m healing. In order to heal we must address the deepest issues smothered underneath our half assed smiles.

Struggle is something we are all faced with in one way or another. Some wallow in there struggle, some don’t even see the dysfunction in which they live, some become content, and others acknowledge that no matter where you are in life the struggle is always real. The is no way to avoid bad things happening to good people. It just comes with the territory in life. c34283706b91cb2fbb829dd311c69c10

copyright Z.Harps

Why it didn’t work out!

 It always starts out the same. I’m feeling you, your feeling me, we really believe that were meant to be. We stroke each other ego’s like no tomorrow. I see you as special, you see me as your star, and we convince one another that this love will  go far. It’s so real, we will fight, or even kill to protect what we have. As time passes we build, we share, and we laugh. I feel the butterflies whenever your around, I’m willing to do whatever for you, even if it means I have to sleep upside down. I’m wide open and so are you, we stick together like Siamese twins and super glue. Candle light and bubble baths we would do anything for each other… Its a shame to endure pain by a person who claimed they were not the same, as your past the others that drained your heart and didn’t have what it takes to make a relationship everlast-ing.

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why didn’t it work out?

For all the laughs came a cry for all the truth there came a lie. For a love that seemed to be real only to end up superficial causing my light to dim, it hurts so bad my limbs go weak, while a single tear flows down my cheek. The fate of an unchangeable truth, it was never meant to work out between us two. A lesson learned , a chance to start new, grow from your experience, even if it left you cold and blue. The winter is cold, the  sun is bound to come out, a chance to love again whether temporary or until the end.

copyright Z.Harps

Inner City Blues


In inner cities across America it’s the same old story. No matter how different the slang, music, or style of dress, we all have one thing in common. The sadness and struggle of American ghetto’s. Sirens ring as the baby tries to rest next to his single mom. The dad on the corner, not realizing the very pit of hell he’s standing in will only cause more fire to spread within his life following his mother and child. See we all want a way out of this hell fire. Some have hope most don’t. The circumstances in which lower class America is faced with middle and upper class will never understand the trauma that exist within these communities. Most are living victims of hell on earth. Drugs flow through midnight shadows while teenage moms steal out the corner store just to eat. Children are abandoned and left sifting through plastic green garbage cans. There is no peace and as I write my right eye waters.

I’m not an outsider looking in but a survivor of what takes so many lives every day. It’s so easy to be lead in the wrong direction and little to no resources or education on how to make it out. See to understand and change our circumstances we must first understand how we got here. How did we get in this situation? Why are we targeted? What is there to fear of black and brown people success in America? Why? Why? Why? Is the most asked question in the ghetto. On every corner there is a liquor store, on every corner there is a fast food restaurant, and on every corner there is a shrine of somebody who was shot and killed. Whether by their peers or the police. The schools and healthcare are of the lowest quality. The environment all together is much different than the downtown that is usually less than 5-10 miles away. Very little invest in the very people they profit from.  We shield our pain through material gain and that’s why we remain in the same stagnated lifestyle. Hood rich, but no real wealth. Not mentally physically or emotionally. As the next generation emerges it seems that inner city lower class America will mold the next sad story of the “ghetto”. Change must come!

copyright Z.Harps