The cycle continues…

I’m trapped in a cycle of love, looking for answers deep beneath the surface that lures him to love me

I’m trapped in a cycle of love that feels only isolated, cold, reluctantly bold

I’m trapped in a cycle of love, because it hurts to be brave and open up

I’m trapped in a cycle of love, my generation scorned by matching Jordan’s and love means can you afford it?

I’m trapped in a cycle of love, that feels more like loveless and the only way to get attention is by showing your naked ass

I’m trapped in a cycle of love, when sliding in my dm is how u make a pass and going on a real date is a thing of the past

I’m trapped in a cycle of love, when what’s trending matters more than a conversation with true meaning

I’m trapped, I’m trapped, I’m trapped in a cycle of love, that desperately needs changing!

Death is A Part of Life: How to Grieve?

Is there anyone out there who parents passed? A mother specifically? If so please share how you deal with your Grief? I lost my mother at age 16 (13 yrs ago) and it feels like it just happened yesterday. There’s  never a day that passes my mother doesn’t cross my mind. I see her in everything I do. Sometimes my laugh sounds just like hers did and sometimes I hear a song that reminds me of her. I see numbers that relate to significant events that have happened or dates that hold significant meaning; like her date of birth or the day she passed.  Even a smell can bring me back to my childhood of the times I shared with her. I despise thinking that my life is all some big coincidence, I would rather believe that everything that I see, hear, and feel is relevant to my existence and gives purpose to my being. I would like to think that my mother is really always with me, and maybe, just maybe, the signs I see give light to just that.

Death is a part of life. It’s the timing that sucks and not knowing how we will leave that causes fear of death. No time is a good time to go to leave all that you know and love. It’s not easy accepting that I will never see her, hug her, or talk to her again. I guess I’m just angry sometimes because it’s so damn hard to miss someone every day of your life. It’s so damn hard finding ways to simply live without her. It’s even harder when I’m troubled and I need her guidance. I notice times when I’m sad or in a dark space I see my mother’s date of birth and the day she passed. I take that as a sign that no matter what,  she’s always with me. Thinking this way helps me cope with my loss.

Why me? What am I supposed to learn from this? Going along in life without her guidance, guessing my way through my trails and bumping my head so many times I’m surprised I don’t have a permanent knot on my head. One of the things she warned me of before her passing is to not let people take my kindness for weakness. I find it odd that those words uttered from her mouth over 13 years ago. I was a young girl no older than ten. Somehow she knew what my biggest problem would be in life, and that is loving too much. Spreading myself so thin my middle name should be crepe. *that was corny lol* She knew that most would take advantage of my kind and helping heart rather than reciprocate. She knew that most of my pain in life would come from me loving others. I think after all these years I can finally take heed to her words of wisdom, the conclusion to that is to Love me first.

 

*you will be forever missed*

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Philando Castile: Mondern Day Lynchings?

Here we go again..*inmyDMXvoice! I am not at all surprised at the verdict of the late Philando Castile. *My deepest condolences to his family*  Doesn’t this remind you of  PicNics (Pick-a-Nigga)..you know where whites would pick a nigga and hang him for no good reason( just for fun)! lynchings were like a circus show to Caucasians, but Blacks are the crazy barbaric ones? People, these public killings of Black Men and Women serves as a reminder that African Americans are not valued and never will be valued in America! This is coming from a woman who is lost in a foreign land. My history was burned and stolen so that I can be confused at this very moment in time about who I am and where I truly come from. I feel angry! I feel like we have to do something and fuck that marching shit because it hasn’t done a thing, but destroy the neighborhoods we live in and give the media ratings. If marching is supposed to awaken those that are sleep, I would have to say that it’s no surprise at African Americans predicament in this country. In a variety of areas such as health care, demographics, the water we drink, and even the matter of life and death.

I’m so sick of everybody turning a blind eye to the injustice of Blacks in this country. Better yet our government doesn’t  turn a blind eye, they simply say fuck us, with the outcome of every single unlawful death committed by police officers. This is not a coincidence folks. This is plain out racist privileged bullshit happening right before our eyes ..If live footage that millions have seen doesn’t help a man get justice for being wrongfully killed by a police officer Sanchez Asshole, what the fuck will? Sanchez gets to go home to his family while millions of African Americans sit back on their sofa’s and digest how much our lives aren’t valued and that in any given moment your life can be taken. That’s a hard pill to swallow yet we do it every day. No matter how much we follow the law it is not equal, so we are at risk every day we walk out of our homes. I have a son who is going to be a full grown man, he is at risk of being murdered by police, just because he’s black! A lot of the minorities benefit from what my ancestors endured yet we walk alone in our struggle? We’re looked down upon in this foreign land. We were robbed beaten rapped for 100’s of years and it’s still happening right before our eyes. The public killings we’ve seen on camera over the past year alone is what I call Modern Day Lynchings. A way for white power struck government to show off their power! *In a land they stole from the indigenous people that were already here*

To add, the fact that all social media and news reporting networks are constantly playing the footage over and over again is baffling to me. No matter how graphic, no matter the time of day they just continue to display the footage. Why do they continue to play the video over and over and over again? I will tell you a few reasons why…1st of all its clear that people of power within our government would like to remind us that the law is not on our side nor equal to that of a white people or police officers, especially if the same crime had been committed except in reverse. For example, if a black police officer let off seven shots on a white male with a child and the man’s girlfriend in the car, I believe the jury would have found some why to convict that black officer. The reason you never hear of this scenario occurring is, that black police officers are aware of the injustice within the organization they represent, that the justice system is not at all on his black ass side (meaning not equal to that of white privileged people/ police officers). A black police officer would not be acquitted for killing white Tom *plane and simple*.  2nd It’s also to remind African Americans that they are not valued and that their life most importantly means nothing in the court of law. *what about common/ natural law* We all know the shooting was not justified. Officer Sanchez should have spent more time resolving the traffic light issue and asking for Philando’s gun, instead of being afraid of him just because he’s black, then panicking. Is the police force training rookie officers to be more aggressive with blacks than with whites? If so that is discriminative in itself.  Lastly and most importantly the police, the government, and the media want to condition us to be comfortable and ok with events like this becoming the norm. *this is far from normal*

I have an 8-year-old daughter who is aware of all that is going, just from her peers alone. *I also explain to her the best way I know how why this is happening* How does society think this is affecting our children? Common displays of repeated offenses of this kind will only desensitize our future generation. They want to continue to plant fear in us and our children. Shame on Fox news and all the other asshole reporting agencies and networks for mocking Philando’s death by continuing to display the footage. I think that angers me more than anything because my child shouldn’t be exposed to viewing such violent crimes being done to a man that looks similar to her father. *All over a broken tail light* Oh, he had a gun, and he had every right to carry that gun being a law abiding citizen fo the United States, and Philando disclosed that information to the police officer Sanchez. Philando, his girlfriend, and her daughter were on their way to do something as a family, they didn’t go looking for Sanchez to open fire on him. Meaning Philando had no intent to use his gun against the officer. Him being licensed in the first place displays his obedience to follow the law, and he loses his life for it? A whole nation of people in shock yet again!

*You might have won the battle, but we will Win the WAR: Against police brutality*

*Stop Modern day Lynchings*

An example of White Privilege: https://youtu.be/W_FkzbTf-KM *copy and paste this link*

Listening: Wind&Trees

Last night I fought my anxiety by redirecting my energy and forcing myself to find something to offer me peace. *I’m so proud of myself* After a long and frustrating day, I managed not yell or take my frustrations out on the stranger in the car in front of me. I simply took a deep breath and the kids and I made our way through the door of our apartment. I showered while the pizza cooked in the oven and the kids were watching cartoons *PBS kids* Finally I finished showering, feeling refreshed but drained. Then it was the kids turn to wash their little booties, meanwhile the pizza cooled. We ate, and one by one they fell asleep.

I was exhausted myself, but was having trouble getting to sleep. Its hard to fall asleep with a broken heart, but then again that’s all you want to do, so you don’t have to feel that aching feeling of rejection and despair. As my face hits the pillow a lay alone in a bed that was once filled with two warm bodies cozy together. Now its just me alone laying there instantly I go into my thoughts. This can go on for what feels like hours, constantly analyzing what I did wrong. Or was it even me at all? I think to myself, I have to hold some responsibility for my broken heart even though I still don’t understand whats so hard about loving a person you say you really love? *I guess that’s a question I should ask him*

*Anyways* I didn’t want to cry last night, so I thought about the nap I took in my car earlier that day, during my lunch break at work. It was about a 25 minute power nap and on my way to sleep I could hear the trees singing. It was like a lullaby from mother nature to my the broken soul. *my kids are my light and joy, everything else sucks right now* I listened to each leaf sing a tune and it eased me right to sleep.

My irritation starts as my head rest on the pillow and I quickly remembered the trees and the beautiful tune each leaf sang. I went to my smart phone and typed in YouTube “listen to the trees”…I don’t remember much else from last night, because I fell right to sleep. Maybe this can help someone else, a person who over thinks during bed time or maybe it can help ease unpleasant feelings of Anxiety and stress. *whatever the reason…Enjoy!*

Magic Carpet

My happiness was once a magic carpet, it took me for a ride everyday, I was alone, and that was ok, then I met you and you swept my magic carpet away. You could have took me with you, when it was just us two it was magical and you road my carpet until it became dingy and worn on all sides. We went everywhere together, but you were just along for the ride, you never meant to stay and now my magic carpet runs dry.

Mother of Two: Daily Duties

My day starts with me peeling myself out of bed at 7:30 am, I can set my alarm to 7 am all I want, but my body won’t respond until 7:30 am sharp. I hurry to the bathroom to let out what feels like a whole weeks worth of pee!  Then I scurry to my daughters room to pick up the variety of items off the floor while yelling her name to get up *she’s a deep sleeper* I then make my way to my son by whispering sweetly in his ear *he’s a light sleeper* all he needs is to hear my raspy voice and there appears his half smile, following some crusty white stuff on the sides of his mouth.

The kids are lucky enough to get their baths the night before. So in the mornings, its wash face, brush teeth *if we have time,* grab an apple, orange, pop tart, or whatever’s the easiest and were out the door. I’m blessed if I have an ounce of energy to take a shower the night before *it helps make mornings a little easier*, Of course, I get ready last in the morning and sometimes I slap my makeup on in the car, because like I said time is never on my side and neither is sleep.

Anyways, I rush through traffic by taking as many shortcuts as possible and sometimes it takes even longer with the shortcuts… all this just to get them off to daycare and school, then I’m back on the road to drive 24 minutes in more traffic *the way my anxiety set up, I cannot stand traffic!*

Never the less I make it work, sometimes I’m on time.  I spend my work day talking a lot and maneuvering a mouse on my computer. My eyes strain as my work day gets shorter. I sometimes cry at my desk thinking about things I cannot change, and sometimes I feel nothing at all, just staring blankly at the wall of my cube, awaiting my next task. I anticipate the relieving feeling of escaping the office setting, but my job is not done…I make my way to pick up the children from daycare. *I feel like I barely see them*

zz manman

When I arrive at the daycare center, my son does this run jump thingy into my arms as he screams out “Mommy” *the best feeling in the world* I’m tired though but I fight through it and pick him up following a tight hug. He always, always, always, ask for his sister and we make our way to her classroom. My daughter’s eyes light up in excitement to see me and that’s rewarding as well. *after all, I’m doing all of this for them* Her first words are “Hi mommy” following “can we go to the park?” and of course I comply exhausted and all.

After 40 minutes to an hour at the park, I get one kid off the slide while I’m chasing my son to let’s go! He starts his little tantrum because he’s not ready to leave, but I know he will be sleep within 3 minutes of the car ride home. On the ride home sometimes it’s quite because all three of us are just beat, sometimes we listen to music and rock out with the last bit of energy we have, and sometimes we just talk about how my daughter day of school was, and my son just sits in contentment.

We load up our bags jackets etc and wiggle the keys through the door. Kicking our shoes off before we can barely enter the house fully, and we all find a place to sit for a bit. I’ve already accepted that I’m defeated, but I keep fighting to give the kids baths and put food on the table. I hold it together to keep my sanity just to do it all over again tomorrow…

We spend about an hour or so preparing for bed and we may have time to read together or watch Super Why or My Little Pony *I know all the words to both theme songs* lol

Some days are easier and some days are harder, the key is not to give up. I know that all my hard word will pay off. We won’t stay in our two bedroom apartment because I will buy us a home. We won’t have to spend 12 hours a day away from each other because I will start my own business or maybe become a famous writer one day. I not only hope for a better future for me and my babies I know we well have one as long as there is breath in my body.

*For all the single parents out there keep on keeping on, your hard work does not go unnoticed* 🙂