Love Yourself

You belittle how I feel because you’re not big enough to man up. I’m tired of being on an emotional rollercoaster, that crashes into a dumb. The shit from the dumb slams on to a window looking gross, lopsided and disproportioned, I’m there to clean it up.You want all the glory and want me to do all the work, while you refuse to be the antidote to the poisonous pain you’ve caused me and countless other souls that were captured by the light on the outside. What hurts most is that you never forced me to love you, it was worse you manipulated and made me feel like I was supposed to. I was wrong in what I thought was special…I thought only love could bring it out of you. I see that you’re too sick to want to get well, you’ve given up! Now, I’m left only to love myself.

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Relationships and Double Standards

I will create the most common scenario and I’m sure a vast amount of women can attest to this at some point during their relationship. Guy meets a girl, he promises to be different than all the rest, to be faithful, honest, and most importantly he promises not to hurt her. In most cases sad to say guys start to show their inability to commit at or around the three-month span of a dating/relationship situation. Why do guys have to lead women on? Why do guys think it’s fair to play the field but then aspect their mate to be 100% committed to them? I mean guys are usually pretty tough critics of their girlfriends in aspects of having friends of the opposite sex, being flirtatious, social media, being friends with exes, and the list goes on. On the contrary, he will find every reason to excuse his actions when it comes to the same type of situations.

This is my problem and why I may fail at most relationships. I have a king awareness and detect flawed quickly. I am also a reasonable person who likes to give a guy the benefit of the doubt, at the risk of being hurt. I mean taking a risk is what you have to do when you’re trying to obtain true love. Right? However, it’s a game ladies whether we like it or not. What I’ve come to realize is in order to get what you want you must play the Game, but for how long? Initially yes, you wait for him to call first, you see if he’s willing to pay for the first date, you see if he’s going to try to have sex on the first date? So we, in fact, play the game, however, once a certain amount of times passes these games should start to fade and you both should be at a healthy space to be more open and always honest about what you both want.  RED ALERT READ ALER!! This is where most guys fail! Guys don’t know when to transition from the playing phase to a commitment. He can like her a lot, heck he may even love her, but to actually commit to her in a relationship is a challenge.

I dated a guy for 6-7 months and he never could commit. He continued to be indecisive about whether he really wanted me or not, but in the midst of that he expected me to cut all ties with other guys, he expected me to put my heart on a silver platter for him meanwhile he kept his heart guarded and kept his options open. In any dating situation, there should be even playing field. Meaning if the guy still wants to pursue other women then he should be open to every woman he’s seeing, to give them the opportunity to do the same if they choose to. Fellas don’t expect what you are not willing to give. I learned to not wear my heart on my sleeve because of the countless double standards I’ve endured in past relationship. We have all been conditioned to think traditionally when it comes to love and relationships. I’m saying there is no right or wrong, its all about being open, honest, and communicating.

People are usually afraid to say what it is they want in a relationship, their afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings or being judged. This is another example of double standards. If a person is trying to spare their girlfriend/ boyfriend feelings then why do the opposite of being truthful? Why lie in the first place if you care so much? I always say “you can’t go wrong when you’re dealing with the truth.” You also gain respect by being honest..this promotes and builds trust within the relationship. You always know where you stand and you’re not left to make assumptions which can cause insecurities within a relationship. Don’t make the mistake of being judgmental ladies and Gents this will make your mate less likely to open up truthfully next time. Generally, women are more successful at the being honest part of a relationship. When she is in love, or into you, it’s all about you, and she has no reason to lie about that.

Usually when guys are confronted about his double standards he never fully addresses your concerns he only deflects. It’s an art to be caught red handed and still have the ability to say “it wasn’t me” like that one song. In other words, he will never confess his real reasons behind misleading you or keeping you around just to not take the relationship to the next level. This is selfish on his part and you just have to keep telling yourself you’re bigger than his confused brain/heart. No matter how much you like or love him do what’s best for you. Don’t allow a guy to play with your heart, time, and energy or lie to manipulate his way through the relationship. Always know where you stand, and once you know where you stand accept it. You can’t make him love you, but you can damn well love yourself 🙂

*I would love to hear you alls opinion on the subject matter.

 

Death is A Part of Life: How to Grieve?

Is there anyone out there who parents passed? A mother specifically? If so please share how you deal with your Grief? I lost my mother at age 16 (13 yrs ago) and it feels like it just happened yesterday. There’s  never a day that passes my mother doesn’t cross my mind. I see her in everything I do. Sometimes my laugh sounds just like hers did and sometimes I hear a song that reminds me of her. I see numbers that relate to significant events that have happened or dates that hold significant meaning; like her date of birth or the day she passed.  Even a smell can bring me back to my childhood of the times I shared with her. I despise thinking that my life is all some big coincidence, I would rather believe that everything that I see, hear, and feel is relevant to my existence and gives purpose to my being. I would like to think that my mother is really always with me, and maybe, just maybe, the signs I see give light to just that.

Death is a part of life. It’s the timing that sucks and not knowing how we will leave that causes fear of death. No time is a good time to go to leave all that you know and love. It’s not easy accepting that I will never see her, hug her, or talk to her again. I guess I’m just angry sometimes because it’s so damn hard to miss someone every day of your life. It’s so damn hard finding ways to simply live without her. It’s even harder when I’m troubled and I need her guidance. I notice times when I’m sad or in a dark space I see my mother’s date of birth and the day she passed. I take that as a sign that no matter what,  she’s always with me. Thinking this way helps me cope with my loss.

Why me? What am I supposed to learn from this? Going along in life without her guidance, guessing my way through my trails and bumping my head so many times I’m surprised I don’t have a permanent knot on my head. One of the things she warned me of before her passing is to not let people take my kindness for weakness. I find it odd that those words uttered from her mouth over 13 years ago. I was a young girl no older than ten. Somehow she knew what my biggest problem would be in life, and that is loving too much. Spreading myself so thin my middle name should be crepe. *that was corny lol* She knew that most would take advantage of my kind and helping heart rather than reciprocate. She knew that most of my pain in life would come from me loving others. I think after all these years I can finally take heed to her words of wisdom, the conclusion to that is to Love me first.

 

*you will be forever missed*

Listening: Wind&Trees

Last night I fought my anxiety by redirecting my energy and forcing myself to find something to offer me peace. *I’m so proud of myself* After a long and frustrating day, I managed not yell or take my frustrations out on the stranger in the car in front of me. I simply took a deep breath and the kids and I made our way through the door of our apartment. I showered while the pizza cooked in the oven and the kids were watching cartoons *PBS kids* Finally I finished showering, feeling refreshed but drained. Then it was the kids turn to wash their little booties, meanwhile the pizza cooled. We ate, and one by one they fell asleep.

I was exhausted myself, but was having trouble getting to sleep. Its hard to fall asleep with a broken heart, but then again that’s all you want to do, so you don’t have to feel that aching feeling of rejection and despair. As my face hits the pillow a lay alone in a bed that was once filled with two warm bodies cozy together. Now its just me alone laying there instantly I go into my thoughts. This can go on for what feels like hours, constantly analyzing what I did wrong. Or was it even me at all? I think to myself, I have to hold some responsibility for my broken heart even though I still don’t understand whats so hard about loving a person you say you really love? *I guess that’s a question I should ask him*

*Anyways* I didn’t want to cry last night, so I thought about the nap I took in my car earlier that day, during my lunch break at work. It was about a 25 minute power nap and on my way to sleep I could hear the trees singing. It was like a lullaby from mother nature to my the broken soul. *my kids are my light and joy, everything else sucks right now* I listened to each leaf sing a tune and it eased me right to sleep.

My irritation starts as my head rest on the pillow and I quickly remembered the trees and the beautiful tune each leaf sang. I went to my smart phone and typed in YouTube “listen to the trees”…I don’t remember much else from last night, because I fell right to sleep. Maybe this can help someone else, a person who over thinks during bed time or maybe it can help ease unpleasant feelings of Anxiety and stress. *whatever the reason…Enjoy!*

Love is Like Building a House!

Nobody ever listens to you, when you are crying out. They pretend to listen, but as soon as you turn to walk away they forget that you are suffering, they forget that you asked for help, without directly asking for help. I remember my mothers words as a young girl, “don’t let people take your kindness for weakness”. Was this a warning, that she could foresee, that I would be a doormat for people to trample over? Did she make that same mistake in her short lived life?

I’m sending a warning to myself for the future. lol I cant advise others on how to live or what to do when I have yet to master my full potential. I share my thoughts, opinions, and even ramble a little. At least I’m honest and unafraid to speak my mind. I’m honest enough to say that love weakens me, because I want it so bad. Whenever it seems or feels familiar I run at it with full speed. Everybody knows what happens when you speed, you lose sight of things. Your going so fast that you don’t see the details or the warning signs that tell you your going the wrong way. Your moving so fast that you may even pass by your actual destination, finding yourself back tracking, starting over, and trying to find your way again.

Is it fear that explains why I allow people to hurt me? Am I afraid that I will never find true love? It seems far fetched, unrealistic, and somewhat like a fantasy, but not impossible. So I have hope! I don’t ask for a lot, but trust, honesty, communication, and thoughtfulness. Is this too much to ask? Yeah maybe if a person isn’t in a relationship for love.  Love isn’t hard, people make it hard with their carelessness with having someone else’s heart in their hands. Love is a universal language that all can understand and relate to. I’m not saying I have all the answers, because clearly I don’t. What I do know is love feels good and sometimes it feels bad, but the foundation should always stay the same. Love is like building a house. You start off slow and steady, aligning each brick neatly, layering concrete to make sure your foundation holds together. As you build, your house grows, and your able to see clearly threw the windows. You continue to build, soon to reach the top of your home, where you will layer your roof, to protect your home from stormy days.

love

This metaphor is a little shaky, but not as shaky as your relationship will be if you don’t take the necessary time needed to build a solid foundation. My advise for whoever reading this, let time slow down when you find love. Take all the time you need to build, have fun during this phase, make a few mistakes to test the durability of your relationship. Also allow yourself to keep pushing through the sweat and tears so you can see clearly through the windows of your mates soul. To me its about having a mutual understanding, an unspoken language, and really being in tuned with your partner. Love is a selfless act, one that requires much sacrifice, for you two to benefit together. Build your house of love with precision, this way your love (house) doesn’t easily grumbled whenever life (storms) happens.