I spend most of my days fighting back the tears, feeling stuck like a dear in head lights. That familiar feeling of pain that eats at your every vain, like poison entering your soul, on a sentence to death row, because love only kills me. It never heals me although I wish it would, or if it even could, just be true. For every beat of my heart that is broken I can feel the tight knot in my throat fighting back my tears, Tears of frustration and feeling like a victim of manipulation. It saddens me even more knowing I was stupid enough to let go, a love so innocent and beautiful, like the white of snow. Now, my heart is like Frankenstein all ugly and put back together, when people think that I’m sorry will fix it. I’m sorry, save it, you’ve said it so much, I’m starting to hate it, I’m starting to hate you, and all that you put me through, and so I spend most of my days fighting back the tears. Tonight I will let them flow, down my cheek and on to my pillow…
The guilt that I bare will last an eternity♥ I pray to the universe that one day you will come back to me♥ I ask my mind, to ask my heart, to forgive me♥
It’s been some time since I’ve exposed my deepest feelings and fears to a community of writers also known as complete strangers. Hey, sometimes life has its way of bringing you right back to where you started. However you now have the gift of seeing things from a whole new perspective, your given an opportunity to find appreciation in what you already have, and most importantly having complete belief and optimism about the future. This new year has had its punches, but it also has challenged me to look to a new way of life. They say our childhoods assist in molding who we will be as adults. My childhood, which I’m sure some of my readers can tell the struggles I have endured has surely molded me to be the strong woman I am today. However there are some downfalls to this strong demeanor which only the circumstances of life, has forced me to develop.
Aggression they call it! I say I will not stand for anything that is unethical and not righteous. I am not a saint however the basic rules of life, coexisting in a world of billions, and simply treating people the way you would like to be treated is my model. I am not out to harm, steal, cheat, use, manipulate take advantage of, take for granted, or impose any negativity in anyone’s life. Hey, even if you’ve hurt me in the past, used, lied, manipulated, taken advantage of, I choose to fight my battles wisely. Now please do not get this misunderstood, I will not stand for anyone doing such things. What comes off as aggression is in all actuality, me protecting myself from Bu**Sh**! People are so full of Bull and life has taught me how to stand up for myself. No more making excuses, I’m happy to be brave enough to truly except situation for what they are, accept people for who they are and who they will be. I cannot change how one chooses to treat me but I can choose my reaction. I know there is much power that lies within my vessel , and I am determined to Master Myself.
I’m alone in my suffering I’m alone in my pain, it’s a sad day when u realize their all the same.
via Daily Prompt: Tempted
Whenever my mind sees the voluptuous shape of your lips I am Tempted, The gentle melody of the deep breaths you take when I softly kiss your neck I am Tempted, when the warmth of your palm caresses my lower back sending chills through my soul causing hairs to rise from my every pore, I am Tempted. The subtleness of your teeth meeting my collar bone send’s a river of emotion through my spine and so, I am Tempted, Each time I experience your beautiful mind, your true desires, and thee eruption of your deepest emotion’s I am Tempted. Tempted that I am to love you everlasting. To learn from you, to grow with you, to express the action that only one word can describe, and that I am tempted to Love You.
I’m always getting hurt, what the fuck, is there not one single person on the planet for me? Of the millions and billions of people on the planet the ones that I’ve encountered are never who they claim to be. How is it that I’m attracting these assholes into my life, when I’m the complete opposite of everything they stand for? I am real, honest and genuine in who I say I am. The one thing I cannot do is lie, Its never fair to manipulate and mislead someone. People are hurt constantly because of the lack of maturity in adults. Maturity and responsibility to face the result of the bullshit you stir up in other peoples lives. I’ve been single for almost a year and i swear there isn’t shit out here, Love is lost in 2016 most people don’t even believe in the purity of it.
Love is an action and when it comes to a person actions that’s what determines there love for you. You don’t have to be in love to show someone love. I show love everyday to strangers hobo’s friends family co workers, because of my actions each and every encounter I have I do my best to be genuine and real. Is it really that fucking hard to be a descent human being in the 21st century? I don’t want to be a door matte for people and I also don’t want to be so turned off by life and relationships that I become an introvert,bitter and doesn’t think there is anything good in this world. I know there is something out here for me, a calling of some sort, and if I could just place my finger on it I will open up a whole new world for me. Am I afraid? How could I be when I’m constantly taking chances on people, placing believe, faith, and false senses of reality seeing the picture in an abstract form, just to end up with what I already feel in my gut. I always try to see the good in people giving them the benefit of the doubt. The curiosity in me causes me to look past my gut feeling thus allowing me to see something in people that does not exist. I want so badly to be appreciated loved and cared for in the most Innocent way, and if I know my luck I will have to dig real deep and work hard to get want I deserve. I’ve always had to work harder than most just to obtain the simplest things in life. To really expect for a loyal healthy loving relationship to be easily obtained, clearly I’m fooling myself. To be quite honest I don’t want an easy love but a true one. You cant build a future on ill intentions, lies, and manipulation.
I’m not desperate I just want it to be real when the attraction is mutual. I don’t get off on sex like most people. I have to be mentally stimulated by you in order to feel that type of connection. So its even more special to me if/ or when I decide I want to become physical. The part that sucks is men don’t understand this and this is why in general they deal with a lot of drama from women. Stop being a coward and be honest about your intentions and what your really looking for in a relationship. A lot of times women will respect you more for just being honest; Honesty will always get you further and guarantee for viewer burned bridges. Playing games though that for adolescent mindsets and nothing good ever comes with playing when you dealing with reality. I think so many fucked up thoughts and never act on them, because I understand the power behind my actions. Its so sad that I’m almost 30 yet I see no real growth in my peers and in my relationships with men specifically.
My optimism about life and relationships allowed me to give 3 1/2 years of my life to a man who never trusted me and to this day still wants to guilt me for something i never did. I’m still working through a lot of shit and i just want a real friend. This year is coming to an end causing us all to reflect and this reflection has shown me that the only real friend you have in life is yourself. The fear of being alone causes us to seek out others to experience and obtain things we can give ourselves. Not material things, but the priceless most precious things in life. I’m going to own this new year and I feel every bit of emotion as I proclaim what I want to the universe. I want to be happy, I want to have real true honest relationships in my career, with my family, with my friends, with love, and most importantly I want to find love peace and happiness within myself.