Death is A Part of Life: How to Grieve?

Is there anyone out there who parents passed? A mother specifically? If so please share how you deal with your Grief? I lost my mother at age 16 (13 yrs ago) and it feels like it just happened yesterday. There’s  never a day that passes my mother doesn’t cross my mind. I see her in everything I do. Sometimes my laugh sounds just like hers did and sometimes I hear a song that reminds me of her. I see numbers that relate to significant events that have happened or dates that hold significant meaning; like her date of birth or the day she passed.  Even a smell can bring me back to my childhood of the times I shared with her. I despise thinking that my life is all some big coincidence, I would rather believe that everything that I see, hear, and feel is relevant to my existence and gives purpose to my being. I would like to think that my mother is really always with me, and maybe, just maybe, the signs I see give light to just that.

Death is a part of life. It’s the timing that sucks and not knowing how we will leave that causes fear of death. No time is a good time to go to leave all that you know and love. It’s not easy accepting that I will never see her, hug her, or talk to her again. I guess I’m just angry sometimes because it’s so damn hard to miss someone every day of your life. It’s so damn hard finding ways to simply live without her. It’s even harder when I’m troubled and I need her guidance. I notice times when I’m sad or in a dark space I see my mother’s date of birth and the day she passed. I take that as a sign that no matter what,  she’s always with me. Thinking this way helps me cope with my loss.

Why me? What am I supposed to learn from this? Going along in life without her guidance, guessing my way through my trails and bumping my head so many times I’m surprised I don’t have a permanent knot on my head. One of the things she warned me of before her passing is to not let people take my kindness for weakness. I find it odd that those words uttered from her mouth over 13 years ago. I was a young girl no older than ten. Somehow she knew what my biggest problem would be in life, and that is loving too much. Spreading myself so thin my middle name should be crepe. *that was corny lol* She knew that most would take advantage of my kind and helping heart rather than reciprocate. She knew that most of my pain in life would come from me loving others. I think after all these years I can finally take heed to her words of wisdom, the conclusion to that is to Love me first.

 

*you will be forever missed*

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Mother of Two: Daily Duties

My day starts with me peeling myself out of bed at 7:30 am, I can set my alarm to 7 am all I want, but my body won’t respond until 7:30 am sharp. I hurry to the bathroom to let out what feels like a whole weeks worth of pee!  Then I scurry to my daughters room to pick up the variety of items off the floor while yelling her name to get up *she’s a deep sleeper* I then make my way to my son by whispering sweetly in his ear *he’s a light sleeper* all he needs is to hear my raspy voice and there appears his half smile, following some crusty white stuff on the sides of his mouth.

The kids are lucky enough to get their baths the night before. So in the mornings, its wash face, brush teeth *if we have time,* grab an apple, orange, pop tart, or whatever’s the easiest and were out the door. I’m blessed if I have an ounce of energy to take a shower the night before *it helps make mornings a little easier*, Of course, I get ready last in the morning and sometimes I slap my makeup on in the car, because like I said time is never on my side and neither is sleep.

Anyways, I rush through traffic by taking as many shortcuts as possible and sometimes it takes even longer with the shortcuts… all this just to get them off to daycare and school, then I’m back on the road to drive 24 minutes in more traffic *the way my anxiety set up, I cannot stand traffic!*

Never the less I make it work, sometimes I’m on time.  I spend my work day talking a lot and maneuvering a mouse on my computer. My eyes strain as my work day gets shorter. I sometimes cry at my desk thinking about things I cannot change, and sometimes I feel nothing at all, just staring blankly at the wall of my cube, awaiting my next task. I anticipate the relieving feeling of escaping the office setting, but my job is not done…I make my way to pick up the children from daycare. *I feel like I barely see them*

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When I arrive at the daycare center, my son does this run jump thingy into my arms as he screams out “Mommy” *the best feeling in the world* I’m tired though but I fight through it and pick him up following a tight hug. He always, always, always, ask for his sister and we make our way to her classroom. My daughter’s eyes light up in excitement to see me and that’s rewarding as well. *after all, I’m doing all of this for them* Her first words are “Hi mommy” following “can we go to the park?” and of course I comply exhausted and all.

After 40 minutes to an hour at the park, I get one kid off the slide while I’m chasing my son to let’s go! He starts his little tantrum because he’s not ready to leave, but I know he will be sleep within 3 minutes of the car ride home. On the ride home sometimes it’s quite because all three of us are just beat, sometimes we listen to music and rock out with the last bit of energy we have, and sometimes we just talk about how my daughter day of school was, and my son just sits in contentment.

We load up our bags jackets etc and wiggle the keys through the door. Kicking our shoes off before we can barely enter the house fully, and we all find a place to sit for a bit. I’ve already accepted that I’m defeated, but I keep fighting to give the kids baths and put food on the table. I hold it together to keep my sanity just to do it all over again tomorrow…

We spend about an hour or so preparing for bed and we may have time to read together or watch Super Why or My Little Pony *I know all the words to both theme songs* lol

Some days are easier and some days are harder, the key is not to give up. I know that all my hard word will pay off. We won’t stay in our two bedroom apartment because I will buy us a home. We won’t have to spend 12 hours a day away from each other because I will start my own business or maybe become a famous writer one day. I not only hope for a better future for me and my babies I know we well have one as long as there is breath in my body.

*For all the single parents out there keep on keeping on, your hard work does not go unnoticed* 🙂