Your Dead to Me

All these thoughts in my head I can’t believe I was misled to think I can trust you

After all the time we spent together

I thought it was love boo

Then you turned on me like when the sky turns from black to blue

Your strike hit like a brick

Left me dazed and amazed that you could lie straight to my face without leaving a trace of deceit

I have an angel one that you failed to see, I was guided to the truth about you

Your a disgusting piece of trash…how could you?

The feeling gets worse everyday I think about it

Making me want to gag and spit, I wish I could dig a ditch to throw you in

Sprinkle acid like fairy dust at the sight of you

Run you over a thousand times with a semi truck

Burn you with cigarette butts

Better yet hang you by the neck

Unfortunately your not dead yet, but Your Dead to Me!

A n c h o r

He’s an anchor to your happiness, should you have to cut off your own limb to leave him . So be it! The only way to achieve it is to leave it… leave the bullshit leave the lies… guurrl you trippin. He then turned you into a full blown spy

Checking fb and instagram Tryna keep up with him. Jail bond who had it?? You went all out because just for a moment you had no doubt that he was the one, then he turned on you like the moon did the sun.

He’s and anchor to your happiness, because u let him. Amputate your own limb to save your space, your true happiness you shouldn’t have to chase…

After a half ass man that only brings you down ever notice that when he’s around you frown and when he’s gone you smile? He’s an anchor to your happiness guurrl he’s got to go!

I only say this because I know, I was once you..a girl that didn’t know her own worth, that didn’t know when to let go.

Chasing the arms of a man that was just as damaged as me .. he’s an anchor to your happiness, let him go so you can be happy.

Love Yourself

You belittle how I feel because you’re not big enough to man up. I’m tired of being on an emotional rollercoaster, that crashes into a dumb. The shit from the dumb slams on to a window looking gross, lopsided and disproportioned, I’m there to clean it up.You want all the glory and want me to do all the work, while you refuse to be the antidote to the poisonous pain you’ve caused me and countless other souls that were captured by the light on the outside. What hurts most is that you never forced me to love you, it was worse you manipulated and made me feel like I was supposed to. I was wrong in what I thought was special…I thought only love could bring it out of you. I see that you’re too sick to want to get well, you’ve given up! Now, I’m left only to love myself.

Decisions Decisions

The way my life is set up right now I barely have time to write, however, there’s always time to think. I spend a lot of time thinking about my current circumstances and how my actions have and will continue to pave my future. My step dad used to talk about “decisions decisions decisions,” because the decisions we make directly affect our futures. The sad part, not only do these decisions affect us as individuals but it will certainly affect those that are close to us.

I say this because recently I’ve been faced with having to make some real hard decisions. Things that involve family values, finances, relationships, children, and the hardest of all sacrifice. I’m a year from thirty and I feel like the first time in a very long time I know what I don’t want. I’m still working on what I do want but I know I want love peace and most of all happiness. Not only for myself but my children and those that are close to me. Sometimes those that are close to you can affect your life not always in the most positive ways and I can’t allow others circumstances affect me and my children. This has helped enlighten the fact that it’s not all about me but has everything to do with me.

mommy and zz

This is where the sacrifice must be made. I either let go of what was and focus on what is to come or rid myself of the uncertain and build on what I know to be solid. I like taking the risk because the curiousness that lies within me brings forth excitement. This excitement can lead to me learning new and exciting things and helping me truly come to terms with what I really want out of my life,  rephrase I know what I want I just don’t know exactly how to get there. I’m the queen of going with the flow.

This may not be whats best for my children, the need to be solid and routine is always important. I must put my want to explore and take chances on hold while I build A solid foundation for them. This brings me back to the people in our lives and how it affects how we approach life. Have you ever been on the right course and then you let an old friend back into your life or meet someone new and everything starts to change for the worst? Maybe their reality is projecting on yours. This example can happen in the opposite effect as well. People should compliment your life not disrupt it. We should be mindful of the people around us and how their feeling and thoughts, directly and indirectly, affect us.

I have a heart of gold *my opinion lol*  It’s hard to digest that not everyone values that. They certainly want to benefit from your good qualities but don’t want to possess those same qualities themselves. I feel as if I’m reaching a new point of understanding and I don’t have time to teach capable and able adults instead I have to be better for my babies, the universe knows my heart, and I ask God to help me and continue me on the right path to true success and happiness.


“I can show you but I cant make you see, in order to see you have to be willing to open your eyes.”

A Spell of Gray

you’re great in almost every way, yet there is nothing you can do to make me stay,  it’s like no matter how much we laugh and play in the end I get a spell of gray.

I wondered if it was me, or if we were ever meant to be, that lighting bolt that only we could see was all for nothing.

I looked within for answers to determine this factor, it’s the specific way you hurt me is why I must go when you hurt me you hurt my mind, my heart, my soul.

 

Relationships and Double Standards

I will create the most common scenario and I’m sure a vast amount of women can attest to this at some point during their relationship. Guy meets a girl, he promises to be different than all the rest, to be faithful, honest, and most importantly he promises not to hurt her. In most cases sad to say guys start to show their inability to commit at or around the three-month span of a dating/relationship situation. Why do guys have to lead women on? Why do guys think it’s fair to play the field but then aspect their mate to be 100% committed to them? I mean guys are usually pretty tough critics of their girlfriends in aspects of having friends of the opposite sex, being flirtatious, social media, being friends with exes, and the list goes on. On the contrary, he will find every reason to excuse his actions when it comes to the same type of situations.

This is my problem and why I may fail at most relationships. I have a king awareness and detect flawed quickly. I am also a reasonable person who likes to give a guy the benefit of the doubt, at the risk of being hurt. I mean taking a risk is what you have to do when you’re trying to obtain true love. Right? However, it’s a game ladies whether we like it or not. What I’ve come to realize is in order to get what you want you must play the Game, but for how long? Initially yes, you wait for him to call first, you see if he’s willing to pay for the first date, you see if he’s going to try to have sex on the first date? So we, in fact, play the game, however, once a certain amount of times passes these games should start to fade and you both should be at a healthy space to be more open and always honest about what you both want.  RED ALERT READ ALER!! This is where most guys fail! Guys don’t know when to transition from the playing phase to a commitment. He can like her a lot, heck he may even love her, but to actually commit to her in a relationship is a challenge.

I dated a guy for 6-7 months and he never could commit. He continued to be indecisive about whether he really wanted me or not, but in the midst of that he expected me to cut all ties with other guys, he expected me to put my heart on a silver platter for him meanwhile he kept his heart guarded and kept his options open. In any dating situation, there should be even playing field. Meaning if the guy still wants to pursue other women then he should be open to every woman he’s seeing, to give them the opportunity to do the same if they choose to. Fellas don’t expect what you are not willing to give. I learned to not wear my heart on my sleeve because of the countless double standards I’ve endured in past relationship. We have all been conditioned to think traditionally when it comes to love and relationships. I’m saying there is no right or wrong, its all about being open, honest, and communicating.

People are usually afraid to say what it is they want in a relationship, their afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings or being judged. This is another example of double standards. If a person is trying to spare their girlfriend/ boyfriend feelings then why do the opposite of being truthful? Why lie in the first place if you care so much? I always say “you can’t go wrong when you’re dealing with the truth.” You also gain respect by being honest..this promotes and builds trust within the relationship. You always know where you stand and you’re not left to make assumptions which can cause insecurities within a relationship. Don’t make the mistake of being judgmental ladies and Gents this will make your mate less likely to open up truthfully next time. Generally, women are more successful at the being honest part of a relationship. When she is in love, or into you, it’s all about you, and she has no reason to lie about that.

Usually when guys are confronted about his double standards he never fully addresses your concerns he only deflects. It’s an art to be caught red handed and still have the ability to say “it wasn’t me” like that one song. In other words, he will never confess his real reasons behind misleading you or keeping you around just to not take the relationship to the next level. This is selfish on his part and you just have to keep telling yourself you’re bigger than his confused brain/heart. No matter how much you like or love him do what’s best for you. Don’t allow a guy to play with your heart, time, and energy or lie to manipulate his way through the relationship. Always know where you stand, and once you know where you stand accept it. You can’t make him love you, but you can damn well love yourself 🙂

*I would love to hear you alls opinion on the subject matter.