I’m in nothing but pain, I can feel it in my veins, it hurts so bad that I’m ashamed, I fell for a lame, a liar, a straight womanizer, I want to set his paints on fire, for leaving a burning hole in my heart.
When will I ever learn, that just because it glitters doesn’t make it gold, Now I’m cold, I miss me so much, I’m out of touch with who I once loved, Myself!
It lingers in the darkness of something that was once tangible. Darkness like Batman’s cave, running fast like a runaway slave, out of fear, that no one will be there, to save you from whats near. I’ts scary being trapped in your own non existence, beware no one will miss it, remember I sat on the opposing side of all your lies. Its dark inside the truth, and the only one that has to face it, is you!
Its safer not to expect anything, this way you don’t feel a since of loss when your left with nothing.
Nobody ever listens to you, when you are crying out. They pretend to listen, but as soon as you turn to walk away they forget that you are suffering, they forget that you asked for help, without directly asking for help. I remember my mothers words as a young girl, “don’t let people take your kindness for weakness”. Was this a warning, that she could foresee, that I would be a doormat for people to trample over? Did she make that same mistake in her short lived life?
I’m sending a warning to myself for the future. lol I cant advise others on how to live or what to do when I have yet to master my full potential. I share my thoughts, opinions, and even ramble a little. At least I’m honest and unafraid to speak my mind. I’m honest enough to say that love weakens me, because I want it so bad. Whenever it seems or feels familiar I run at it with full speed. Everybody knows what happens when you speed, you lose sight of things. Your going so fast that you don’t see the details or the warning signs that tell you your going the wrong way. Your moving so fast that you may even pass by your actual destination, finding yourself back tracking, starting over, and trying to find your way again.
Is it fear that explains why I allow people to hurt me? Am I afraid that I will never find true love? It seems far fetched, unrealistic, and somewhat like a fantasy, but not impossible. So I have hope! I don’t ask for a lot, but trust, honesty, communication, and thoughtfulness. Is this too much to ask? Yeah maybe if a person isn’t in a relationship for love. Love isn’t hard, people make it hard with their carelessness with having someone else’s heart in their hands. Love is a universal language that all can understand and relate to. I’m not saying I have all the answers, because clearly I don’t. What I do know is love feels good and sometimes it feels bad, but the foundation should always stay the same. Love is like building a house. You start off slow and steady, aligning each brick neatly, layering concrete to make sure your foundation holds together. As you build, your house grows, and your able to see clearly threw the windows. You continue to build, soon to reach the top of your home, where you will layer your roof, to protect your home from stormy days.
This metaphor is a little shaky, but not as shaky as your relationship will be if you don’t take the necessary time needed to build a solid foundation. My advise for whoever reading this, let time slow down when you find love. Take all the time you need to build, have fun during this phase, make a few mistakes to test the durability of your relationship. Also allow yourself to keep pushing through the sweat and tears so you can see clearly through the windows of your mates soul. To me its about having a mutual understanding, an unspoken language, and really being in tuned with your partner. Love is a selfless act, one that requires much sacrifice, for you two to benefit together. Build your house of love with precision, this way your love (house) doesn’t easily grumbled whenever life (storms) happens.
I spend most of my days fighting back the tears, feeling stuck like a dear in head lights. That familiar feeling of pain that eats at your every vain, like poison entering your soul, on a sentence to death row, because love only kills me. It never heals me although I wish it would, or if it even could, just be true. For every beat of my heart that is broken I can feel the tight knot in my throat fighting back my tears, Tears of frustration and feeling like a victim of manipulation. It saddens me even more knowing I was stupid enough to let go, a love so innocent and beautiful, like the white of snow. Now, my heart is like Frankenstein all ugly and put back together, when people think that I’m sorry will fix it. I’m sorry, save it, you’ve said it so much, I’m starting to hate it, I’m starting to hate you, and all that you put me through, and so I spend most of my days fighting back the tears. Tonight I will let them flow, down my cheek and on to my pillow…
She sits alone in a dark place pondering, analyzing, remembering, trying to forget, a weird form of meditating if you will. As she sits, the room gets darker, time passes, and a cold chill of loneliness sweeps her heart. The dark isolation of nothing other than herself has forced her to look within for light. Her light lives deep within her soul, she fears the unknown, but knows that the only way to find herself would be to face her fears within every crevice of her being. The mirror has its everlasting gift to show the outside of ones existence, but only she can understand, realize, except, control, and express her true self. Eyes serve no purpose on the journey within…and she wonders will her journey ever end?
She is brave and fierce in her calling to serve a purpose in life. She feels an intuitive nag that confirms there is something more to her existence, she sees the inevitable beauty of the sky and sees herself being just like the sky, free and vast. She longs for true freedom, like a bird soaring through life, but only for her to feel as if she’s in a cage, confined in ugliness. She wonders on thinking is there even a such thing as happiness on earth? With all that is wrong with the world, how can one be so selfish to want happiness for ourselves, but not for others? So many questions like a small child, and she remembers when she was a small child, questions that still have no true answer without it all being crumbled by theory. The dark place gets even darker as she dives deeper into her subconscious, taping into places where creativity thrives and Epiphany’s are found.
Shes in a cave of emotion, fear fills her heart and she wonders how she keeps ending up here. Here being a place of doubt and no confidence in her emotional state in life. She realizes that all of her down falls in life and love has been, because of her lack to trust herself and understand her true feelings. It’s like being in love with two people, constantly conflicted, not sure which way to go. She’s searching deep and tears start to weld, still in a state of deep thought, she tries to forget her first heart break and the many that would come after. She digs deeper into the ruins of her past, because somewhere along the way she lost something. Going into the details of her past is not a pleasant place to be, but she knows being completely honest with herself can result in a beacon of light to pierce its way through her broken heart. A broken heart that’s desperate for mending, she finds away to look beyond her fears, and so she begins her search…
The thing about me is I come in peace. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and I will open the opportunity for you to hurt me. why? I choose to trust, and anytime you trust you risk being hurt and or let down. I cannot control what people do, but I will control myself. I’m not a liar nor hypocrite that has to put on a facade about who I am. I have no problem letting you know what I like and don’t like, so when a problem occurs or when a person starts to push negative energy my way I automatically put up my guard. I’m all good when I’m doing what you want me to do when I’m making shit easier in their life. It’s obvious that people only have there own best interest at heart and they don’t care about who they trample over or use to get there. Then these same type of people will pull the victim card as if the world owes them something. They think because your’re mom sister or girlfriend your obligated to take on their bull shit. NO!!! Not when my deepest and darkest battles to this day I fight alone. I will not pacify someone else struggles while I have to lace up my boot straps and fight through shit and break threw boulders that’s thrown my way. I offer support advise and literally at times, put myself and a jeopardizing situation for people and still am not appreciated. I’m a hopeless romantic that just wants to be loved. I don’t see why its so hard when I’m coming in peace and genuine. True love isn’t hard, because it should come naturally. Anything that comes natural is easy, fun, and simply enjoy doing it. I will fight for as long as I can. but I’m also a stronger person than I was before, and I’m brave enough to accept people for who they are. I can accept you, but I will not tolerate and or deal with you in my world. I have made it this far and my biggest downfall has been my desire to love a MAN.
I want to desire to love myself more. As soon as I’m shown you don’t care I will guard my heart and my life. I’m dealing with so much internally and I’m ready to break through, I’m not letting people and there personal issues effect my life anymore. Beat it if your not hear to bring peace love and happiness into my life on a consistent bases than you serve no purpose and I don’t want you.
Anyways I’m at work and they don’t pay me to write in my personal blog…so until next time. Stay real and stay strong 🙂
The guilt that I bare will last an eternity♥ I pray to the universe that one day you will come back to me♥ I ask my mind, to ask my heart, to forgive me♥
It’s been some time since I’ve exposed my deepest feelings and fears to a community of writers also known as complete strangers. Hey, sometimes life has its way of bringing you right back to where you started. However you now have the gift of seeing things from a whole new perspective, your given an opportunity to find appreciation in what you already have, and most importantly having complete belief and optimism about the future. This new year has had its punches, but it also has challenged me to look to a new way of life. They say our childhoods assist in molding who we will be as adults. My childhood, which I’m sure some of my readers can tell the struggles I have endured has surely molded me to be the strong woman I am today. However there are some downfalls to this strong demeanor which only the circumstances of life, has forced me to develop.
Aggression they call it! I say I will not stand for anything that is unethical and not righteous. I am not a saint however the basic rules of life, coexisting in a world of billions, and simply treating people the way you would like to be treated is my model. I am not out to harm, steal, cheat, use, manipulate take advantage of, take for granted, or impose any negativity in anyone’s life. Hey, even if you’ve hurt me in the past, used, lied, manipulated, taken advantage of, I choose to fight my battles wisely. Now please do not get this misunderstood, I will not stand for anyone doing such things. What comes off as aggression is in all actuality, me protecting myself from Bu**Sh**! People are so full of Bull and life has taught me how to stand up for myself. No more making excuses, I’m happy to be brave enough to truly except situation for what they are, accept people for who they are and who they will be. I cannot change how one chooses to treat me but I can choose my reaction. I know there is much power that lies within my vessel , and I am determined to Master Myself.
I’m alone in my suffering I’m alone in my pain, it’s a sad day when u realize their all the same.