I spend most of my days fighting back the tears, feeling stuck like a dear in head lights. That familiar feeling of pain that eats at your every vain, like poison entering your soul, on a sentence to death row, because love only kills me. It never heals me although I wish it would, or if it even could, just be true. For every beat of my heart that is broken I can feel the tight knot in my throat fighting back my tears, Tears of frustration and feeling like a victim of manipulation. It saddens me even more knowing I was stupid enough to let go, a love so innocent and beautiful, like the white of snow. Now, my heart is like Frankenstein all ugly and put back together, when people think that I’m sorry will fix it. I’m sorry, save it, you’ve said it so much, I’m starting to hate it, I’m starting to hate you, and all that you put me through, and so I spend most of my days fighting back the tears. Tonight I will let them flow, down my cheek and on to my pillow…
She sits alone in a dark place pondering, analyzing, remembering, trying to forget, a weird form of meditating if you will. As she sits, the room gets darker, time passes, and a cold chill of loneliness sweeps her heart. The dark isolation of nothing other than herself has forced her to look within for light. Her light lives deep within her soul, she fears the unknown, but knows that the only way to find herself would be to face her fears within every crevice of her being. The mirror has its everlasting gift to show the outside of ones existence, but only she can understand, realize, except, control, and express her true self. Eyes serve no purpose on the journey within…and she wonders will her journey ever end?
She is brave and fierce in her calling to serve a purpose in life. She feels an intuitive nag that confirms there is something more to her existence, she sees the inevitable beauty of the sky and sees herself being just like the sky, free and vast. She longs for true freedom, like a bird soaring through life, but only for her to feel as if she’s in a cage, confined in ugliness. She wonders on thinking is there even a such thing as happiness on earth? With all that is wrong with the world, how can one be so selfish to want happiness for ourselves, but not for others? So many questions like a small child, and she remembers when she was a small child, questions that still have no true answer without it all being crumbled by theory. The dark place gets even darker as she dives deeper into her subconscious, taping into places where creativity thrives and Epiphany’s are found.
Shes in a cave of emotion, fear fills her heart and she wonders how she keeps ending up here. Here being a place of doubt and no confidence in her emotional state in life. She realizes that all of her down falls in life and love has been, because of her lack to trust herself and understand her true feelings. It’s like being in love with two people, constantly conflicted, not sure which way to go. She’s searching deep and tears start to weld, still in a state of deep thought, she tries to forget her first heart break and the many that would come after. She digs deeper into the ruins of her past, because somewhere along the way she lost something. Going into the details of her past is not a pleasant place to be, but she knows being completely honest with herself can result in a beacon of light to pierce its way through her broken heart. A broken heart that’s desperate for mending, she finds away to look beyond her fears, and so she begins her search…
The thing about me is I come in peace. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and I will open the opportunity for you to hurt me. why? I choose to trust, and anytime you trust you risk being hurt and or let down. I cannot control what people do, but I will control myself. I’m not a liar nor hypocrite that has to put on a facade about who I am. I have no problem letting you know what I like and don’t like, so when a problem occurs or when a person starts to push negative energy my way I automatically put up my guard. I’m all good when I’m doing what you want me to do when I’m making shit easier in their life. It’s obvious that people only have there own best interest at heart and they don’t care about who they trample over or use to get there. Then these same type of people will pull the victim card as if the world owes them something. They think because your’re mom sister or girlfriend your obligated to take on their bull shit. NO!!! Not when my deepest and darkest battles to this day I fight alone. I will not pacify someone else struggles while I have to lace up my boot straps and fight through shit and break threw boulders that’s thrown my way. I offer support advise and literally at times, put myself and a jeopardizing situation for people and still am not appreciated. I’m a hopeless romantic that just wants to be loved. I don’t see why its so hard when I’m coming in peace and genuine. True love isn’t hard, because it should come naturally. Anything that comes natural is easy, fun, and simply enjoy doing it. I will fight for as long as I can. but I’m also a stronger person than I was before, and I’m brave enough to accept people for who they are. I can accept you, but I will not tolerate and or deal with you in my world. I have made it this far and my biggest downfall has been my desire to love a MAN.
I want to desire to love myself more. As soon as I’m shown you don’t care I will guard my heart and my life. I’m dealing with so much internally and I’m ready to break through, I’m not letting people and there personal issues effect my life anymore. Beat it if your not hear to bring peace love and happiness into my life on a consistent bases than you serve no purpose and I don’t want you.
Anyways I’m at work and they don’t pay me to write in my personal blog…so until next time. Stay real and stay strong 🙂
The guilt that I bare will last an eternity♥ I pray to the universe that one day you will come back to me♥ I ask my mind, to ask my heart, to forgive me♥
It’s been some time since I’ve exposed my deepest feelings and fears to a community of writers also known as complete strangers. Hey, sometimes life has its way of bringing you right back to where you started. However you now have the gift of seeing things from a whole new perspective, your given an opportunity to find appreciation in what you already have, and most importantly having complete belief and optimism about the future. This new year has had its punches, but it also has challenged me to look to a new way of life. They say our childhoods assist in molding who we will be as adults. My childhood, which I’m sure some of my readers can tell the struggles I have endured has surely molded me to be the strong woman I am today. However there are some downfalls to this strong demeanor which only the circumstances of life, has forced me to develop.
Aggression they call it! I say I will not stand for anything that is unethical and not righteous. I am not a saint however the basic rules of life, coexisting in a world of billions, and simply treating people the way you would like to be treated is my model. I am not out to harm, steal, cheat, use, manipulate take advantage of, take for granted, or impose any negativity in anyone’s life. Hey, even if you’ve hurt me in the past, used, lied, manipulated, taken advantage of, I choose to fight my battles wisely. Now please do not get this misunderstood, I will not stand for anyone doing such things. What comes off as aggression is in all actuality, me protecting myself from Bu**Sh**! People are so full of Bull and life has taught me how to stand up for myself. No more making excuses, I’m happy to be brave enough to truly except situation for what they are, accept people for who they are and who they will be. I cannot change how one chooses to treat me but I can choose my reaction. I know there is much power that lies within my vessel , and I am determined to Master Myself.
I’m alone in my suffering I’m alone in my pain, it’s a sad day when u realize their all the same.
Have you ever stood up for yourself, then the person flipped the situation, and you found yourself apologizing? Have you found yourself feeling guilty for demanding your respect from an individual while they play the “victim” card? Do you find yourself second guessing your decisions, because your worried about criticism from a specific person? Are you always giving, time, money, energy, advice, whatever, only to receive the opposite of what you put out?
You may be dealing with a user/ manipulator. If your not sure put them to the test by being more aware of there daily interaction with you. Pay more attention to body language and actions rather than what they say. These people are usually very charming and can talk their way out of almost anything. Beware of the person who doesn’t mind effecting your world in a negative way, only to gain in their life from using up your resources. Your energy and time is precious, once given you cannot get it back, so its very important to know those that truly have your best interest at heart and are genuine the love will naturally be reciprocated.
People just want to storm into your life place there problems and burdens on you, and somehow your all alone in your own endeavors? This is called being used! People love your good qualities, because they see how they can benefit from them. They never think about how there presence is effecting you, hell they don’t even care, its a one way view for people like this. Users, emotional and financial abusers, these people use manipulation as a paint brush to smear their garbage all over your life, and your left alone to pick up their shit and your own! They make you feel stupid for thinking for yourself by undermining and belittling you. They seem like they have the best intentions for you at first, by seeming helpful and interested in your goals. Its all so that you can open up, so they can find a soft spot in your heart for them to play on. Do not be fooled by this type of person and their tactics to suck the life out of you. Is it intentional or a subtle trait that some use to their advantage?
Conclusion: Do not think because it’s your family, friend from high, or even your partner/spouse that they will not try to use manipulation to get their way. Even children use manipulation on an subconscious level to get their way in. You are not to be taken advantage of or have your kindness taken for weakness. Do not be afraid to call a person on their bluff! They may not like that your calling them out on the BS, however they will respect you. No push over resides here!