Mommy passed three months after my sweet 16th birthday. It sounds tragic right? Well it was and sometimes it still seems so. I found myself at a fork in the road at the time of her passing. Fall of 2004, I had a choice, between living for better or for worse.
During her passing I felt several emotions. First, a since of relief and peace…I felt that my mother had suffered enough in her short lived life. She was only 34 when she passed. With her passing she no longer had to worry about me or my siblings. She didn’t have to regret the men she fell in love with that didnt support her in her dying days. She didn’t have to search for a mystery God, wondering why he never answered her prayers. All of her answers would come after her death so I’d like to believe. Believing that she was at peace by her no longer fighting the battles of this realm.
Still I don’t feel that my mother death was just. I used to often ask God why her? Why my mother? Why take the only parent I have? When her kidneys failed, she spent 7 years on dialysis. She took care of five children as a single parent. She was and still is a beautiful woman who plays the highest level of influence in my life.
Second emotion, Anger! Still these questions haunt my mind…. Why me? Why did I have to lose my only parent? My sperm donor thought I would be better off in the vacuum of an abortion clinic. Thank heavens my mother disagreed!
Earlier in this testimony I mentioned having to make a choice. Choosing the long stem of the fork or the metal prongs we use to pick up the pieces. I could allow my mother passing to be an excuse to fail in life and become a coke whore or to be the reason I succeed and be a positive influence to my younger siblings. My life changing moment has perpetuated me in a positive direction trauma has the power to do that.
This is the perfect example of having control over your destiny! I did not want pity, but for people to see the beauty in pain, in the flesh, within me. I truly think my mothers story and life is a constant reminder that I deserve much more. I deserve everything she never had the time to seize. I to this day study the blueprint of her life. All the stories from her childhood and times she had fun, situations and people that hurt her. Her reasons and takes on life. When I think back at how young she was fighting so many battels alone it still breaks my heart. Those traumas exist within my DNA but I’m I’m thankful I’m aware they exist. For now is the time to break negative trauma cycles. We are to learn from these traumas not use them to repeat history that does not restore and heal.
I share our story with you all in hopes that someone will understand me. Overstand my drive, my approach to life, my old soul, my optimism, and the sadness that dwindles in my eyes.
Hence my love for writing and self expression was born. My love for appreciating nature as it helps me to feel closer to her. My love for family and being a leader within. Understanding that death is apart of life.